


Gone Tonight

by DaringToLove



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depressed Castiel, Flashbacks, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Drug Addiction, Teacher Dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2018-04-17 09:39:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4661868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaringToLove/pseuds/DaringToLove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel Novak meets Dean Winchester in a night club that his elder brother dragged him to in his first week of college which leads the pair to forming a friends with benefits relationship. After several weeks, Castiel becomes tired of hiding and falls for Dean and that’s where everything went tragically wrong. Now, ten years later, after suffering a devastating loss, Castiel and his family have moved to Lawrence, Kansas only to find Dean Winchester working at the High School as a gym teacher. Afraid of having his heartbroken, Castiel stays away but can he fight against the only man he ever loved? Can the two of them find their way back to each other after ten years? Or will Cas leave brokenhearted once more?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I deleted the first two chapters of this story because I wanted to edit a few little bits but it's back! This story had it's inspiration from the song Gone Tonight by Lea Michele (check it out)!! Also, this story contains a few heavy topics as it progresses so PLEASE check the notes at the top of every chapter! Thank you :)

**PAST**

 

_One week._

__

_It had been one week since he had started college and already Castiel was being dragged to a nightclub by his elder brother, Gabriel, who thought it would be a brilliant idea for Cas to meet some ‘good looking guys who would destroy him in bed’, direct quote from the man himself. Of course, Castiel felt like throwing up at the very idea of entering a club and trying to flirt with men who would just find him extremely awkward, too smart and extremely weird in his tan trenchcoat. He had never been in a relationship, never been close to anyone really, other than his brothers and his sister, Anna, who was currently a senior in high school. Their other brother, Jimmy was staying in with his wife and child tonight, not that he would be interested in going to a bar with him. Jimmy didn’t exactly enjoy the nightlife much like Castiel, however, unlike Castiel he was the older brother which meant Gabriel couldn’t make him do anything he didn’t want to do. Also, Castiel had never found himself attracted to anyone enough to want to be with them or want to get to know them. Sure, he’d had  two one night stands that had taken place when he had been extremely drunk but he had never seen them again. He had never really wanted too. And, of course, those one night stands had always happened when Gabriel had taken him out._

__

_You could hear the loud music vibrating from the club on the high street as you pulled up in the car which only made the sweat increase on Castiel’s palms. There were people completely wasted, falling over each other in the car park whilst others were up against the wall kissing someone so hard, it was a wonder their lips didn’t crack. He swallowed in his throat as he gazed out of the window of the taxicab and wiped his palms along his thighs, hoping that he could destroy the drops of sweat sticking to his palms before he stepped inside. The building was incredibly modern with a stream of silver lights darting around the building and from a greater distance, they would look like shooting stars dancing across the sky. A huge square fluorescent sign read: Mirrors. Mirrors, the night club, looked extremely popular with two security men propped each side of the door and a line of people waiting to go in._

__

_“How are we supposed to get in?” Castiel asked, hoping that somehow Gabriel hadn’t banked on the amount of people that would be there tonight and that he would have to take him home where he could read or do something other than make a fool of himself._

__

_“I have a friend who know’s the barman so don’t worry, Cassie, we’re getting in.” Gabriel gave Castiel a wink before jumping out of the car with far too much happiness that only seemed to add to the worry and anxiety that Castiel was feeling._

__

_“Fantastic.” Castiel huffed, opening the car door and slamming with just a little too much force that only made Gabriel roll his eyes._

__

_He knew he was acting like a child, he knew he was, but after the last time something like this happened...it had ended horribly. The guy, Daniel, had made a joke of him and had humiliated him in front of everybody until he was nothing but the town’s laughing stock. He didn’t need that here too. He was trying to make it here. He was trying to survive here and the last thing he needed was to become someone’s punch line or more accurately, someone's punch bag._

__

_“Come on, lil bro.”  Gabriel smirked at him._

__

_And, against his better judgement and everything else he would have preferred to have been doing, Castiel Novak, let out a deep breath as if he was about to engage in one of the most terrifying battles that he would have ever have to face in his lifetime, and followed his brother into the club._

* * *

**Present**

****  


“Claire,” Castiel warned with raised eyebrows at the young teenager, who rolled her eyes and folded her arms across her chest, ignoring her uncle completely.They were parked outside the local High School in Lawrence, Kansas after moving from Michigan due to Gabriel buying one of the old store buildings that resided in the centre of town, ready to change the entire thing so he could open up yet another store for his sweet company. Also, the schools here was good and there was no huge cities around, no teenage gangs or anything that could cause Claire to get into much trouble. Naturally, his niece had screamed and yelled refusing to move from her hometown but sadly, in the end, she didn’t really have a choice. And, here they were three days after moving and she was still fighting against him, still hating him with everything she had. It was like her hatred for Castiel was programmed deep inside of her, it never wavered or faltered, it was a constant force to be reckoned with and Cas was powerless against it.  

“It's going to be the exact same as your old school.” He gave her a gentle smile which only seemed to disgust her further as she whipped her head to peer at Truman High.

“Yeah, except people won't know what happened to my father.” She whispered, quickly her head snapped towards Castiel and he almost flinched at the hatred in his niece's eyes.His eyes darting to the nonjudgmental road that lay before him, he couldn’t look at his niece when she had that burning hatred in her eyes, it was so clear that sometimes Castiel swore he saw actual flames sweep across her iris. It was so incredibly clear that she hated him. “They won't know what you did to my Dad, what you did to my family.”

“Claire...” Castiel tried to reason her and try to get her to calm down but what could he say to her? She wasn't lying. It had been his fault. It had all been his fault. All of it. “Please… I never….”

“Save it, Castiel.” The young teen shook her head and gritted her teeth, before grabbing at her bag that rested between her legs on the floor of the car and pushing the car door to open. Yeah, she hated him.

“I’ll pick you-” The door slammed shut and Castiel flinched from the action actually feeling like a stab to the heart. In his own selfishness and his own pain he had caused even more to those around him. He had wrecked his own family and the only person who could actually stand being around him anymore was Gabriel. Even Anna, his sweet little sister, who had admired him so much when she was younger and would follow him everywhere he went desperate to spend as much time with him as possible, now despised him and would voluntarily burn the ground he walked on if she could.

This wasn’t what he had pictured his life to be. He dreamed of being a successful writer with a family around him that supported him and loved him for he was, not who they wanted him to be. He had dreamed of, had desperately hoped for, a family that would go to the ends of the earth for him and would do everything in their power to help him whenever he needed. This life he was living was like a shadow had been cast upon him, keeping him forever in the darkness until he was practically choking on it. It was as if that night, those words and the slamming of the door, a sound that seemed to echo in his mind every night he tried to sleep and every morning he woke, had changed the course of events for him. It was if that night had spiraled everything around out of control and he was in the centre of it all, unable to find the strength to stop himself from spinning out of control until he had collapsed, no longer able to take it anymore. Everything that happened had been his fault and it all had happened because he was unable to say no to his brother and had walked into that stupid club.

* * *

**Past**

_They walked in through the double doors, Gabriel walking with a skip in his step where Castiel sort of stared around the room with troubled blue eyes, watching the bodies that flung themselves around  on the dancefloor, bathed in smoke and flashing vivid lights. There were seats placed in the far corner of the room where hardly anything could be seen and Castiel could only begin wonder what had gone on in that dark clouded area of the club. The place was heaving with people, the smell of alcohol and sweat seemed to pour from the place and he could already feel it clinging to him, making him one of them already. The bar was opposite the dancefloor and seemed to stretch around the back wall in a ‘c’ shape. Stools were propped against the bar where men and women were buying their drinks, chatting with friends or flirting effortlessly._

__

_“Cassie, come on.” Gabriel yanked Cas’ by his arm as he manouvered him through the throng of people and over to the corner of the bar, where less people seemed to be. Gabriel pushed past a few people to get to the bar and dragged Castiel with him, much to his dismay._

__

_“Well, well. Look who it is.” A hoarse voice came from behind Castiel and he noticed a young man, probably around the same age as him, placing a pair of  strong hands on the shoulders of his brother. “Gabriel Novak!”_

__

_Gabriel turned around to greet his friend, Castiel didn’t recognise him but then again he couldn’t get a good view of him from the back of his head. From what he could tell, he had very light brown hair that it was almost blond, he was a strong build and was wearing a brown leather jacket, dark ripped jeans and biker boots. He definitely didn’t look like someone Gabriel would hang out with in everyday circumstances. Gabriel patted the young man on the back of the leather jacket and greeted him with the same smirk that he used on Castiel earlier. Cas swallowed, glancing away from the new stranger and from his brother, his blue eyes darting back and for,  chasing one of the purple lights on the wall behind the bar. He couldn’t hear them talking and he was glad of it. He didn’t know whether this man was straight, gay or bi and  he didn’t want to know. He wasn’t messing up his chances again. He wasn't  getting drunk and ruining everything again._

__

_There was a soft yank of his arm and Castiel’s body whipped around, much to his annoyance. Why did Gabriel have to be so much stronger than he was? The thought completely evaporated from his mind as his eyes stared into the most beautiful green eyes he had ever seen. He felt his mouth drop open as he let out a little breath, staring at the stranger who was actually the best looking man he had ever seen in his life. Even surrounded in the dark with flashing lights hovering around them, Castiel could see that the guy was tanned and that his lips were naturally shaped into a soft pout as his eyes lazily dragged down Castiel. Castiel gulped, out of nerves and excitement, as his heart seemed to frantically pound out of his chest like one of those unrealistic cartoons Gabriel seemed to love._

__

_Shit, Gabriel._

__

_Where had he disappeared too?_

__

_Just as Castiel glanced to the side of him to see where his frustrating older brother went, the young stupidly attractive stranger leaned towards him, his beer pressed against Cas’ chest and his lips were shaped into a ridiculous-I-know-I’m-hot lazy smirk, a smirk that was coming closer to Cas’ ear. He knew, God, did he know that he should step out of the way of the oncoming force that was this man in front of him but for some bizarre, illogical reason there was this burning need inside of him to find out what this man could possibly wish to whisper in his ear._

__

_“My name is Dean.” His voice was much deeper than Castiel had originally thought, his breath smelling of alcohol and mint making his head spin. “Dean Winchester.”_

****  


* * *

Dean fucking Winchester.

Castiel hated himself when he thought about him, wanted to physically smash the memories out of his head, of the man who had destroyed him out of his life, until there was nothing left for him to remember. He hated that in those rare moments when his mind would wander and then there he was, a perfect picture in his head; tanned skin, brown hair, those deceitful green eyes and those damned freckles that were painted across his skin. Even now, years later, the memory of him could still cause the hole inside of his chest to stretch wider until he could no longer stitch himself back up again, could still make him feel like he did when the door had slammed all those years ago, could still make him feel used, betrayed and damaged beyond repair. Dean fucking Winchester still had the effect on him he had all those years ago. And the sad thing is, the really heart breaking infuriating thing for Castiel, was that he had never really had that effect on Dean. Never. The only ever pull Dean had ever had towards Castiel was lust, an easy lay. Nothing more.

* * *

_“You know, I’m not usually like this…” Castiel muttered whilst Dean peppered a line of kisses down his throat. “Except when I’m really, really intoxicated. I kind of get extremely sexually frustrated and….”_

_**** _

_“Cas,” Dean’s voice strained, those beautiful green eyes that had lingered on Castiel all night, trailing his body when Castiel wasn’t looking, came back in front of his own. Dean smiled, tilting his head and pushing Castiel up against his door and pressing against him, their hips meeting together for the first time and Cas couldn’t help but let out a small whimper as he felt Dean’s hardening cock against his own, his own member following in suit._

_**** _

_“You should stop talking right about now.” Dean’s voice was a breathless whisper, his arms on either side of Castiel’s face, forcing him to look at Dean and at Dean only. Cas swallowed and his mouth fell open in a silent gasp, his chest lifting softly._

_**** _

_“Yeah,” He nodded in agreement and closed his eyes, his head falling back against the door._

_**** _

_“Good.” Dean smiled sinfully, his hands running down the side of Castiel's body, grinning widely as he dropped to his knees._

****  
  


* * *

 

“Damn it,” Castiel cursed at the broken pen in his hand, the blue ink spreading over and clutching onto his hand. “Great.”

Why did he allow himself to even think back to that time? Why? Gritting his teeth, he threw the ruined pen in the bin behind him before turning back to the front of the counter. He had done everything in the last few hours, cleaned, organised, served customers and repeated the routine again until he grew tired of it. He was working in the local Gas ‘n’ Sip, it was nothing fancy but it paid the majority of what Claire needed and whatever he couldn’t pay for, Gabriel always had money on hand for him. Gabriel paid for all the housing bills because he could afford it with having his own candy stores spread across the country.

Cas looked over at the clock; 2:43pm. His shift ended in precisely 17 minutes and then he had to go pick Claire up from school, probably get yelled at  by her and then would go home and cook for them all until Gabriel returned home from work. Okay. For the next 17 minutes, almost 16 now, Castiel would focus on what he would do after work rather than the man that left his life ten years ago. He couldn't have another bad day...he couldn't. And, if he let himself think about him for another second, today would be a very 'bad' day.

So, for the next 16 and a half minutes, Cas walked around the surprisingly empty Gas 'N' Sip, making up stories in his head, writing that unfinished novel that would probably remain unfinished, he stared for far too long at the security cameras, the sweet packets - noticed a few of Novak's Candy- and he watched as the odd person came and went. He smiled when his colleague, Nora,walked in and asked him how the day had gone. And, he continued to smile when he gathered his coat and drove the car to the school. He had done it. He had done it. He hadn't let his mind wander. Today may have started off as one of those days but right now, it wasn't looking so bad.

He parked the car outside the school's entrance, a stream of cars seemed to line itself along the sidewalk. Students were pouring out of the door in clusters and Castiel's eyes searched frantically for Claire, his eyes darting to every young girl with blond hair. As time went by, more cars started disappearing and there were less and less students pouring through the doors.

No. No. No. Castiel chanted in his head as fist banged against the steering wheel. Damn it, he cursed under his breath. What if she had run away again? Gone after her fleeting mother? It wouldn't be the first time, a cruel voice pointed out in his head, a voice that resembled his a little too much.

Shit. He fumbled around for his cell before finally calling Claire, his heart hammering, his hands sweating profusely as they tapped against the steering wheel, his face scrunched up in a silent plea. Please. Please. Please don’t let her be gone. There was no answer. Shit. He tried again and again, nothing other than monotone sound and the 'it's Claire leave a message' with the annoying punctuated beep at the end. How could he lose her on her first day? How? How!

__

_Because you're nothing but-_

No. Castiel shook his head. He refused to allow those voices inside his head to control him, to take over his train of thought right now. The only thing he could allow to even enter his head right now was Claire. Nothing else mattered. Where could she be? Castiel glanced at the screen of his phone; nothing. He hit the redial number as he jumped out of the car, slamming the door in his wake. With the phone pressed tightly to his ear, he made his way through the dispersing crowd and up the stone steps.

This time the phone went straight to the answering machine. So, her cell phone was either dead or she was purposely ignoring his calls, probably the latter if he knew her. Groaning, he entered the school, the hall was currently empty, the lockers and floor shining from being newly cleaned. There were students pressed against their lockers, talking in hushed tones, trying to spill the newest gossip before leaving for the day. He gave them a small nervous smile before hurrying down the corridor until he came face to face with a white rectangular sign, the word ‘reception’ written across it. There was a woman sat behind the desk with dark hair that fell just below her shoulders and her eyes were currently scanning through the sheets of paper that were cluttered around her.

“Hey, my name’s Castiel Novak…” Cas give her a small smile and placed his fingertips on the edge of the mahogany wood. “I’m looking for my niece Claire Novak, it was her first day and I was supposed to pick her up but-”

“Calm down, sir.” The secretary gave him a soft smile and begun typing away at her computer. “I’ll just check what her last class-”

“Calm down, Castiel.”  A sarcastic voice came from behind him.

Claire.

Immediately, Castiel let out a deep breath in relief that his niece had not run away and that she was still here, still hating him, just like every other day. He smiled genuinely, today could still be a good day, and muttered a ‘thank you’ towards the secretary whose name was Madison judging from the white name tag pinned to her chest. He turned around to face his niece, getting ready to tell her that she should start answering her phone more so that he didn’t have to worry but before the lecture could escape his lips, his eyes landed on bright green eyes, tanned skin, and those damn freckles that he hadn’t seen in ten years.

Dean Winchester was stood right in front of him, right next to his niece, staring at him with an open mouth wearing a ridiculous red track suit and a whistle around his neck. Castiel felt like he couldn’t breathe and the only thing that seemed to keep him alive was the small silents gasps of air that left his lips. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. He chanted over and over in his head hoping that if he said them enough, the right way to deal with this situation would just pop into his head but it didn’t. Nothing came. He remained frozen on the spot unable to think or move.

“Cas…” Dean breathed, taking a step forward towards him as if nothing had happened, as if they weren’t in a school with his niece stood next to him and a nosey secretary looking over her desk to see what was happening. “Cas.”

“No.” The dark haired man whimpered, taking a step back and shaking his head vigorously, unable to fully process what was happening. How the hell was Dean Winchester standing in front of him again after ten years? How? He snapped his eyes shut for a brief second. He had to get out of here. He had to get it together. He had to get out.

“Claire,” He held out his arm and gestured for his niece to walk towards him. He was trying his best to look at anywhere other than Dean but every now and then, his eyes would betray him. There he was, standing before him, Dean Winchester, the only man that he had ever loved. Swallowing, he tried to focus on anything other than what is body wanted right now which was to slam Dean up against one of those lockers and bring their lips together for the first time in ten years. There was a strange burning in his veins that just longed to touch him because there was nothing on this planet that could make him feel so good, touching Dean was like grasping heaven with your fingertips.

“Castiel?” Claire asked, snapping him out of his dangerous thoughts. His eyes dropped to her and her eyes were wide, her eyebrows furrowed in an expression she had never shown Castiel before; worry.

“Let’s get you home.” Castiel gave her a gentle smile as he lowered his arm, his entire body shaking from the shock of seeing Dean again. It felt as if someone was covering his face, holding down, forcing him into a pool of water until he couldn’t breathe. He was drowning.

Claire didn’t ask questions but simply stepped away from her teacher and headed down the corridor, leaving Castiel behind. There looked like there was something else to say between the two men, something that she probably shouldn’t be around for. Grateful, Castiel watched her figure disappear before he turned back to Dean, fully aware that Madison was still sat there.

“Cas, I…” Dean took another step forward and it only resulted in Castiel taking more steps away from him. The last thing Castiel wanted was to be close to the man that had destroyed him, the man that had never wanted him in the first place, the man that had used him for his personal gain. He didn’t want Dean to speak, to apologise because he didn’t want to fall back into the trap of Dean Winchester again.

“Don’t.” Castiel shook his head, trying to be quiet but there was no doubt that Madison would probably hear this entire conversation. He sharply turned his head to see what she was doing only to find the desk she had been occupying to be empty. Sighing in relief, he turned back to face the taller man and tilted his head to the side, biting the inside of his lower lip. “I don’t want to hear it. I can’t take it. Just do one thing for me if that’s not too hard to for you...I know I was just a guy to you who you could have sex with, someone that wouldn’t tell anyone that you were gay but I must have been good to get you to come back to my bed more than once, right? So, if I was such a good fuck then do one thing for me; stay the hell away from me and Claire. I don’t want you near me. I don’t want to see you ever again!”  
  


And, with that Castiel turned around without a second glance as he walked down the corridor, his heart breaking all over again with each step he took down the polished floors. Yes, he thought, today was going to be a very bad day.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING// the first part of this chapter is where we first see Castiel's depression and his thoughts! If you think this may cause a trigger then please please skip to the second part of the chapter!!

**PRESENT**

Castiel entered the house with Claire following behind him, her eyes staring at her Uncle’s tense posture his shoulders raised high and his fists clenched tightly. For the entire ride home, he hadn’t uttered a word to her which was unlike him. He always tried to make conversation with her even if she didn’t respond, he was always talking to her. He tried too hard if anything because all he wanted was her to be forgive him so when he didn’t utter a word to her, there was something clearly wrong.

“Do you have homework?” Castiel whipped around, his blue eyes staring into those of his niece as if she was the last hope he had left.

“Yeah, Math.” She whispered, her eyes wide and waiting for him to do something remotely normal for him.

“Do you need help?” He asked, a plea of a desperate man as he tossed his car keys onto the nearest table.

“No.” Shaking her head, Claire disappeared down the hall and only the soft thud of her footsteps could be heard as she disappeared upstairs. The last thing Claire wanted was Castiel’s help.

Don't think. Don't think. Don't think. Don't think. Castiel thought to himself as he glanced around the living room; everything was the same way he left it in the morning but now it all felt tainted somehow. The couch was the exact same position in front of the TV and the bookcase was up against the left wall, next to the back door. There were pictures of him and his family hung up around the room and some placed on the TV cabinet, the photos mainly consisted of old photos from when his family actually liked him. Now, however, the bright smiles on their faces seemed to mock him, laugh at him for everything. He was pathetic, a failure, a murderer. He did it. He did it. He destroyed his family. He did it. He caused the family to break, he caused them all grief. It was his fault. As far as Dean was concerned, he hadn't been good enough. He was a pathetic, easy slut, that would get up for anyone who showed him the slightest bit of attention. He was a disaster, who should have died in that car. He should have put an end to his miserable life. He shouldn't even be here.

"Me." Castiel murmured as he dropped to his knees, his head hanging in defeat. "It's all my fault. I shouldn't be here. I can't...I can't."

His hands were grasping at the floorboards, nails scraping against the carpet as he shook his head from side to side. He could see it. All of it. Everything that he had done flashing through his mind, like someone flickering through various tv channels and each memory was like several stabs to the heart, all them opening old wounds. It was his fault. His fault. His fault. All of it. Jimmy was his fault. Amelia was his fault. Anna was his fault. Dean was his fault. Claire was his fault. He was poison to everyone around him, damaging them and contaminating them until they realised how much of a waste of human being he really was.

Castiel could feel it now, really feel the pain inside him, it was etched into his bloodstream and flooding his body, drowning him again just like he had been face to face with Dean earlier. This time, however, he couldn’t fight the downpour of water and he couldn’t swim to the top of the surface...He was too far gone. He was too helpless and the truth was, he didn’t have it in him to fight anymore. What was he really doing anyway? Claire didn’t care about him. She would probably be much better off without him. To Gabriel he was a burden,  a pet that just kept having more and more problems...A pet. A burden. A waste.

His fists were pounding against the floorboards now, banging and banging, a plea for him to stop feeling like this but nobody cared, nobody was listening. No one wanted to save him. His mouth was opening in a silent scream as he continued to beat at the wooden floor, the carpet brushed aside in the fight. His knuckles were being painted with splotches of red now and his nails were scraping against the palms of his hands but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough. He needed more. He needed more.

Lifting his head from the floor and stopping in his efforts, Castiel suddenly realised that he was letting out broken sobs and pants, his teeth almost biting through his lower lip.  His eyes glanced down to his battered fists and ever so slowly like a man learning to move for the first time, he uncurled his hands. He deserved it. Every ounce of pain that he had felt before and after that one disaster, that mistake, he deserved it. He deserved all of it and more. It was his fault. It was his fault. Closing his eyes, he sunk to the floor and his head hit the carpet as his mind wandered.

* * *

_“Come on, Jimmy!” Castiel giggled, leaning over to  the passenger seat trying to get his older brother in the driver’s seat whilst also trying to grab hold of the steering wheel. “Come on, let me drive!”_

_“Castiel!” Jimmy shouted, pushing his brother back into the passenger seat with a disappointed sigh. “Pull yourself together would you? You are not driving. So sit down!”_   
_Ignoring his older brother’s wishes, Castiel continued to lean over his seat whilst laughing like a maniac, thinking this was some joke. Jimmy waved his hand in the air trying to force him down but Castiel kept him dodging his hand like a child playing a game, wanting nothing other than to win._

_“Castiel!”_

* * *

“Castiel!” He could hear the shouting now, small petite hands shaking him roughly as he led on the floor. No. He didn’t want to wake up. He wanted to stay in this exact spot forever with his eyes closed. All he wanted was to just to waste away on this very spot so he couldn’t hurt anyone else, so he didn’t have to deal with looking into the eyes of the man that didn’t deem him good enough. He didn’t want to wake up. He wanted to sleep, to stay there drowning. He wanted to drown.

“Castiel!” A voice shrieking, worry and concern pouring through it. He recognised it. Claire.

It was then Castiel heard the door open and close, a small clamour of footsteps entering the living room. He could feel the pressure of Claire’s hands leave his body and in somewhere in the distance, he could hear her talking frantically to someone else. Gabriel maybe? Who else would it be?

Please, just leave me alone, Castiel pleaded with them silently. He just wanted to be left alone with his thoughts. He didn’t want them to pretend to care about him. He didn’t want it.

“He just kept saying “I’m sorry, Jimmy” over and over again.” He could hear his niece say, she sounded so frightened and scared but he just couldn’t bring himself to get up and comfort her.

“Go upstairs.” He heard his brother say and then there was a moment of silence.

“Castiel.” There were hands on either side of his face now and lifting his head up from the floor, he let out a soft groan from his lips. “Open your eyes now.”

Very unwillingly, Castiel did as he was told and was met with his eyes of his brother staring back at him. Gabriel’s eyes were darting back and forth, looking for some sort of explanation as to why Castiel was led on the floor in defeat with a bruised and cut hands along with a swollen lip.

“What happened?” He whispered faintly. “Castiel, what caused this? Did you drink? Did you take something?”

The younger brother simply shook his head because he didn’t want to talk about it, he didn’t want to talk about how he saw Dean Winchester today and how it brought back every bad feeling about himself. If he did talk about it then Gabriel would know why he was so pathetic and weak and he didn’t want to deal with it all.These were his demons and he wasn’t going to share them with anyone else even if Gabriel did know some of the story because he had been there. Castiel didn’t want to fill in the gaps for him because he refused to talk about it, to deal with it. He didn’t have it in him to deal with it. Not today, anyway.

“Get up.” Gabriel ordered, putting his brother’s arms over his shoulders.

“Get off me.” Castiel glared at his older brother, blue eyes icing over as he flinched away from the other’s touch. “This, all of this, is your fault. You took me to that bar. You introduced me to him…”

“Cas, what are you talking about?” Gabriel’s eyebrows arched together in confusion as he watched his brother intently, wondering what he was going to do whilst trying to figure out what he was talking about at the same time.

“Nothing.” He shrugged.

He didn’t want to talk about it.

It was around one am  when sleep eventually found Castiel. He had tossed and turned for several hours before, repositioning pillows and doing everything he could to eventually sleep but every time he closed his eyes, the events of the day seemed to pass through his head. Seeing Dean, the catalyst for everything bad that had ever happened in his life, today had broke him all over again like the very first time. Seeing him was like seeing a movie of every single thing that had ever caused you pain and the impact of it had crashed into Castiel so hard, he was barely breathing. So, when sleep finally blessed him he had welcomed  it.

* * *

"Cas..." Dean breathed, taking a slow calculated  step towards Castiel. "I.."

Castiel recognised where he was instantly, back in that school corridor where he had seen Dean earlier. Dean was wearing the same ridiculous red track suit and a whistle around his neck, wearing the same expression of shock and confusion. There was something different about the scene though, Castiel glanced around the corridors and noticed that Claire and Madison were gone. It was just them. It was just the two of them staring at each other just like they had the very first night.

"Don't." Castiel mumbled but instead of taking several steps back, he only stepped closer to Dean. "I don't want to hear it."

Dean stared at his old lover with his eyes wide, his freckles shining underneath the light, his lips in the infamous soft pout that always seemed to break Cas' will power. God, he had missed him. He missed the way he felt, the way his lips felt against his own. He missed the desire he had for the man, he craved Dean Winchester like nothing else. He always had. And, unfortunately for Cas, always will.

Castiel swallowed in his throat and then he did it, he closed the distance between him and Dean and crashed their lips together in a hungry kiss. There was a sound of metal clattering as Castiel shoved Dean into the lockers, his hands placed firmly on either side of Dean's face ensuring that he was trapped. The kiss was all tongue and teeth, Castiel desperate to taste Dean once again after all these years. Their breaths were strained, gasping for air as their hips begun to grind against each other. It wasn't enough. It was enough for Castiel.

"Cas," Dean moaned softly and Castiel smiled against the other man’s lips, it had been too long since they had been together like this. It was this part of the relationship they were really good at because talking had never been part of the deal they had made and whenever they tried, well Castiel tried, it had only caused unnecessary fights and hurt for the both of them. It was good they were back to this again. It was really, really good.

Dean’s hands were placed on Castiel’s chest, exploring and remembering the body that he had once known much better than his own. His fingers brushing over the buttons teasingly as his lips finally broke free from Castiel’s. Panting, the two men stared at each other hungrily for more. Castiel’s tongue swept across his lips as he lost himself in a sea of green. He leaned in once again but this time Dean pulled back, his bruised and pink lips twisting into a sadistic smirk. Castiel squinted his eyes and looked at the only man he had ever loved, waiting for an explanation but Dean’s smirk only grew and his pushed Castiel from him, throwing him onto the other end of the corridor.

“You think I would want you?” Dean laughed, “Really? Some things never change. You’re still so desperate, still so needy for someone to want you. You’re nothing other than a slut, a whore. Look at you! You’re pathetic! After everything you are still so willing to be fucked by me.  Pathetic and desperate! That is all you are. You were nothing to me then and nothing to me know, you were just an experiment that’s all. You were a toy that I got bored of, Castiel. You were nothing to me. You are nothing to me. Nothing!”

* * *

Castiel woke with a start. He could still hear Dean’s voice in his head screaming at him and he could still feel his body trying to recover from that kiss...God, that kiss. It felt so good, so good to touch Dean again even if it had been a dream. He raised his fingers and brushed them along his lips but they didn’t feel like they should. They weren’t flushed and red instead they were still chapped and dry. It was for the best after all, he couldn’t fall back into the trap of Dean Winchester because if he did he wouldn’t survive this time. He was still trying to pull himself together after the last time. He couldn’t do it again. He didn’t have it in him to be put through it all again. So, if he was going to kiss Dean it would have to be in memories and dreams oly so that they would eventually fade.

Sighing, he glanced at the clock which read 4:45am and with a sad shrug of the blankets, he got out of bed knowing that he wouldn’t get back to sleep. He crept down the stairs knowing that Claire and Gabriel would be asleep and he didn’t wish to alarm them that he was awake, after today they would just assume he was going to have another ‘episode’ again. Castiel’s lips twitched a little. Yes, Castiel thought, thats what Gabriel had always called it, an episode.

Grateful when he reached the kitchen Castiel begun to make himself a cup of coffee. He let out it a little yawn as he poured the coffee into one of the new black porcelain mugs that Gabriel had bought during the move. He had begun to drink his coffee when there was a sound behind him, turning around to see what had been the source of the sound, he saw Claire propped against the door.

She was wearing a purple dressing gown, black pyjama bottoms and silver slippers. Her blond hair was a mess, frizzy from the way she had styled it this morning and her face was swept clean of the make-up she usually wore. It was moments like this when she resembled the little girl that had used to care for him, that used to look forward to is visits. It was moments like this when he hated himself even more because she had been so innocent, so full of life and he had sucked it right out of her.

“Hi,” She whispered, wrapping her arms tight around her chest as her eyes dropped to the floor.

“Hey, what you are you doing up?” He asked, putting on the best smile he could muster in that moment.

“Couldn’t sleep.” She shrugged, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Claire.” He nodded, taking a sip of his coffee and doing his best not to look at his niece. “You shouldn’t have saw that earlier. I am sorry.”

“What happened?” She asked him, her voice indicating that she may be concerned for her uncle.

“Nothing,” Castiel shook his head. “Get back to sleep. I’m fine, I promise.”

Claire nodded,not knowing what to do, before disappearing into the darkness of the living room and up the staircase.

Turning back to the sink, he tipped his coffee out of the mug and watched the contents spill into the sink. Yeah, he thought, he was fine as the pain seemed to stab him everywhere it could and his lungs seemed to fill up with water, suffocating him.

Yeah, he was completely fine.

* * *

The following morning the drive to take Claire to school was rather awkward, the conversation between them was little as they did their best to avoid any topic about the day before. Claire didn't want Castiel to think she cared and Castiel didn't want to talk about it nor did he want to ruin this sort of silent truce between him and his niece. The radio was playing in the background but Castiel wasn't paying attention to it as he searched for a parking space. His eyes wandered through the sea of cars, the sun making the cars glistening in the early morning heat. It was then, he noticed it, the black exterior of a 67 Chevy Impala that was still in remarkable condition for it's age. The Impala, Cas smiled briefly to himself, he remembered the first time he had seen that car on that very first night.

* * *

**Past**

_Dean grasped Castiel's hand and tugged him towards the car park, both of them being bathed in the dim glow of the orange street lights and the soft shine of the stars peering down at them. Castiel's nerves from earlier had disappeared around the 8th or 9th shot which had meant he had only responded to Dean's flirtatious behaviour eagerly. They had spent the entire night taking it in turns to buy each other drinks, laughing at each other's jokes, separating themselves from the others and getting closer and closer until neither of them could take it anymore._

_So, here they were, stood in the corner of the Mirrors car pack staring at each other, hearts beating loudly, as they waited for the other to make the first move. Dean had been making small talk about his car and referring to it as his 'baby' which stirred something up inside Castiel...jealousy maybe? It was ridiculous but it was the way Dean caressed the top of the car with his hands, smiling at his handiwork that had sparked the emotion that resided inside him._

_"Yeah, she's been through some scrapes but I'm not ready to let her go just yet." Dean gave the car one last pat before coming to stand in front of Castiel once more. "She's strong."_

_Castiel nodded, staring at Dean rather than the car. He just look so good with that flannel shirt, leather jacket and those ripped jeans. Castiel could feel the desire in him begin to burn again, he just needed to touch this man. His tongue swept across his lips as his eyes locked with a pool of dark green. Dean's lips curled into that sinful smirk and the other man knew that he was gone for. He knew that Dean was making him wait on purpose, wanting Castiel to make the first move._

_"Did you bring me out here just to show me your car?" Castiel asked, sounding much more confident than he actually was._

_"Nah," Dean smiled and pushed Castiel onto the hood of his car, the young man grunting in surprise. "I came out here to do this."_

_Dean moved forward ever so slowly, Castiel didn't think that he was moving at all, towards the man in front of him. Castiel's hands rested flat on the hood of the car with his legs pressed shut together. His heart had seemed to stop in his chest as the reality sunk in of what was about to happen. Dean stood in front of Castiel and nudged his legs open with his right knee, stepping confidently between the spread legs of the younger man._

_Looking up at Dean, Castiel spread his legs even wider and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Swallowing thickly in his throat, Castiel lifted his hands and pressed them onto Dean’s hips, hooking his fingers into the empty belt loops and thrusting the other man towards him. For a brief second, it appeared as though Dean glanced at Castiel nervously and almost afraid but soon the look had disappeared replaced with a gentle grin. Bending his head, Dean brushed his nose against Cas’, the two of them closing their eyes, breathing onto each other’s skin before finally their lips met in a drunken, desperate kiss. It was slow, soft just like a first kiss between two lovers should be, filled with the promise of new love, romance and hope for the future. It was perfect and just enough to make Castiel want Dean more, need him more._

_After a second, they pulled apart to share one last look into each other’s eyes before their lips came crashing back together. This time it wasn’t soft and it was far more slow and gentle. This time it was quick, urgent and filled with heavy breathing and tongue. Castiel arched his hips and lifted his legs to lock himself around Dean’s, grinding himself against Dean’s crotch making them both moan into the night. Dean’s hands gripped Castiel’s hair and tugged the strands, forcing Castiel to be at Dean’s command and will whereas Castiel’s hands were bunching up Dean’s shirt in his hands, trying desperately to feel more of Dean’s skin beneath his fingers. Castiel’s tongue swept across Dean’s lower lip as he gently nibbled and sucked on it._

_“Fuck, Cas,” Dean gasped, pulling apart and staring in the lusty pool of blue that was staring back at him. “Believe me, I am all for taking you on my car but this place is a little crowded and I need to get you in my bed like ...yesterday.”_

* * *

“Castiel?” Claire asked, stood by the car door getting ready to shut it. “Castiel?”

“Sorry, Claire. I’ll pick you up later, okay?” He smiled, “You don’t have to worry about me. Have a nice day.”

Claire didn't say anything as she closed the car door but her eyes said everything; she was worried about him and honestly, Castiel was worried about himself. He hadn't felt this low, hadn't really felt anything since Dean and that had been over ten years ago. He could feel it happening all over again.  He could feel himself being thrown into the deep end and his body starting to slipping under the water. He could feel again and he would give anything to numb it all out, for it all to disappear.

Raising his finger, he turned the volume up on the radio and drove away, leaving the impala and painful memories of the past behind.

* * *

It was around midday and Castiel was only half way through his shift. He had already cleaned the store for the morning and had sorted through the delivery. Nora was starting work in half hour so Cas could go on his much needed lunch break. Right now, he was sat behind the counter and drinking his 3rd cup of coffee of the day but somehow he still felt as if he was going to drop any second. **  
**

The chimes sung through the store and Castiel lifted his head to see the new customer. He saw the customer's eyes first and instantly he knew who he was, his heart reaching out to him whilst his mind recoiled into it's shell; Dean. Why couldn't the guy just disappear like he had done back in college? Why did he always seem to appear when Cas really couldn’t deal with him? Why did he have to be here at all, a beautiful painful reminder of everything he had loved and lost over the years?

Castiel watched Dean as he checked out the pie over in one of the aisles, he hadn't noticed Castiel yet and it made something inside Castiel sink. Come on, it wasn't like he ever noticed you before. You were just a piece of meat, an ass he could use for his own pleasure. An experiment. His chest tightened and he shook his head, he was an idiot. Slowly, he breathed in and out getting ready to plaster on his best fake customer service smile and act like he and Dean were nothing but strangers. Moving his coffee cup to the side, he saw Dean coming up the aisle staring at the items in his hands. This was it.

"I love me some pie. " Dean grinned, placing his items on the counter and raising his head, finally noticing Castiel. The other man frowned, yeah, he already knew that Dean liked him some pie.

"Cas...I..." Swallowing, Dean tried to speak again. "I didn't know you worked here. I wouldn't have come..."

Castiel ignored the other man, he didn't want to hear anything from him because he couldn't allow his control, his resolve to slip any further than it already had. He was already dreaming about the guy, for God's sake. So, the last thing he wanted to hear was Dean being a fumbling mess around him and that he was an actual nice guy. Nope. Dean was the monster that broke him into tiny little pieces and made sure that there was no way for him to pick himself back up again. Castiel just didn't want to know and he made that quite clear as he shoved the bag with pie and beer in at the other man.

"Look, I know you hate me," Dean grasped the bag but didn't move, just stared at the other man in front of him. "You have every right to do so but I want to talk. I need to talk to you, Cas...There's things that I have to say, that you need to know. I have time now. I'm on a lunch break for an hour. I just want to talk."

Castiel let out a chuckle of disbelief, shaking his head as hands gripped the edge of the counter causing Dean's gaze to shift to the bloody bruised hands that belonged to his ex lover. Noticing how Dean raised his eyebrows in a silent question, asking how had those bruises happened, Castiel shoved his hands into the pockets of his blue fleece.

"A conversation," Dean waved his hands up in a state of surrender. "A talk, that's all I'm asking for."

And, it took Castiel every ounce of strength he had left inside of him to say what he said next.

"Funny," he commented, "because when we were together that was the last thing you wanted to do, remember? Well, guess what Dean? You can't have your little talk because like I said yesterday I really don't want to hear it."

* * *

For the second night in the row, Castiel awoke with a start as his mind recalled his dream. He had been dreaming of the that very first night when he and Dean had practically fled from the club so they could spend the rest of the night fucking each other’s brains out. God, and they had done all of it and more more much to Cas’ pleasure at the time but much to his annoyance right now. **  
**

His mind was supposed to be a Dean free zone so he could make it through the day rather than it being his own personal dvd to everything that he and Dean had been through, every kiss, every touch, every single detail being played over and over again, a constant repeat. Honestly, he could really do without it. He didn’t want to think about Dean. He didn’t want to think about how good his lips tasted or how they felt around his cock...he didn’t want to think about how he had put his heart out there only for Dean to rip it to shreds. He didn’t want this because if this kept happening, one day, one day soon, he was going to have a very bad day and go running back to Dean Winchester.

He glanced down at his semi hardening dick and sighed, throwing the blankets off his body.

Yeah, he was well and truly fucked.

* * *

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING// Cas has lot of negative thoughts throughout this chapter!!
> 
> Hey, here's a new chapter for you all! Hope you enjoy :)

* * *

**PRESENT**

After taking a very long cold shower, images of Dean flashing through Castiel’s mind, as he made his way downstairs to the kitchen. Dean Winchester would actually be the death of him.  After everything he was still inside of him, still flowing in his bloodstream like an addictive poison. He gripped the banister a little too tight but he didn’t care. His life was falling to pieces all over again because of one man that he couldn’t shake. It was like Dean had latched onto him that first night in Mirrors so much that even if he wasn’t there in person somehow he was still there whether it was like when Cas would take drugs and hallucinate Dean or whether he was so drunk that any guy that came his way he would picture as Dean or whether it was when he was alone and thoughts of him just crept their way into his head. He was there, this constant hole in his chest that could never be filled. And, here he was back in his life again, begging him to give him another chance and to let him talk. Castiel couldn’t allow Dean to talk because as soon as words came out of his mouth, no matter what they were, they would result in Castiel’s heart being broken all over again.

He could feel it start to spread around his body like poison slowly seeping into his bloodstream, into his head, telling him to give up. It was like he had run a marathon for the last ten years hurdles placed in random parts of the road, shocking him into the reality of the situation that he was in; it was never really over for him. Castiel’s fight was this ongoing battle, jumping over hurdles whenever they appeared but so far he had kept running, he had only stumbled once or twice. Now, however, he was right at the hurdle and it was very big, and he knew he would have to make a large jump to try and get over it but did he really have the strength to jump over? Castiel was going to fail at the final hurdle, the biggest and the largest, but he didn’t want to. He wanted to make the jump but the self-doubt and Dean was going to end in his failure.

Reaching the kitchen, he shook all the negative thoughts out of his head and switched on the light. Glancing around the kitchen with curious eyes and pursed lips, the nagging feeling of everything wrong coming down to almost mute volume, he wondered what he could make for breakfast. The clock read 6:01am, he probably had time to make the coffee batch, boil the kettle and make some pancakes...Gabriel and Claire loved his pancakes. Smiling to himself, he began his work in the kitchen. He did love to cook, he really did, it was distracting and it was time consuming, everything that he needed. Cooking wasn’t his favourite hobby because for him, nothing won against the thrill and the self-therapy that came when he picked up a pen and started writing or when he switched on his computer and his fingers caressed the keyboard. It was something magical about it, something therapeutic about all of it that he loved very much.

The ceiling above him began to stir and groan, warning him that Gabriel had awoken to start his day after probably having a much better night than Castiel. Cas flipped the pancakes in one fluid motion on to the plate, placing the plate on the table and as the soft lazy steps of his brother grew closer. Also, he placed the pot of coffee on the table before going back and putting his breakfast together before finally sitting down himself.

“Mornin’ bro,” Gabriel yawned, rubbing his eyes and entering the kitchen, flopping down onto one of the chairs.

“Morning,” Castiel greeted, his nose in his pancakes as he wanted to ignore whatever comment his brother would surely say next, he always did say something after one of Castiel’s ‘episodes’.

“Look,” Gabriel run his hand through his hair, the smug expression wiped away from his face and replaced with something that was much more sincere and caring, as he glanced towards his younger brother. “I’m here for you. Always have been. So, I just want you to know that whatever made you...act like that last night you can tell me. If you want to talk I’m here.”

Castiel nodded sheepishly, his eyes not leaving his breakfast in front of him. Could he really tell his brother everything that had gone on earlier that day? What had triggered his ‘episode’?  Castiel knew the answer and it was yes but right now, he wasn’t ready to bare his soul to his brother. He wasn’t ready to admit that he had loved a man that had walked out on him many years ago.

And just like that nothing else was said and the remainder of the Novak family begun their morning routine.

* * *

Several hours later after finishing work, Castiel was entering the local supermarket under his brother’s wishes and since Gabriel had offered to pick Claire up from school he hadn’t really minded doing the shopping. If Castiel allowed his brother to do the food shopping for the family he would just end up coming home with brown bags of candy rather than actual food. Also, another bonus was that Cas didn’t have to walk around under the concerned gaze of his older brother and niece after his little outburst. He just needed to pretend that nothing had happened the day before and that he wasn’t hearing Dean’s voice in his head on a constant loop, having dreams about him or having extremely vivid flashbacks of the man that made it quite clear he wasn’t wanted before.

The faint sound of the music hummed around the store mixing with the chatter of the customers to create a very unique sound that allowed Castiel to focus on random snippets of other people’s problems, his own disappearing into the back of his head for a few seconds each time. There was a middle aged woman in the vegetable aisle that was complaining about how her son was falling behind in school because he had a crush on a girl she didn’t approve of. There was a tall man with longish brown hair that came just passed his ears, holding hands with a blonde woman, talking to a girl with red hair about they had just recently got engaged. Cas had to smile at that, he was happy that there were people out there who were happy and had found their soulmate.

And, in three, two, one seconds his blissful ignorance had shattered when none other, Dean Winchester walked around the corner of the pastries aisle with a pie in his hand, and heading straight for Castiel. Castiel froze. His breath caught in his chest and he could feel the pain that had been absent come flooding back through him, leaving him both breathless and paralysed to the spot. He watched unable to do anything as Dean, wearing the same red gym outfit from the first day Cas had seen him, lifted his head from the floor and his eyes, like always, just seemed to find Castiel’s and locked on to the broken man before him.

“Cas,” Dean mouthed and for a split second, Cas began to hope that Dean felt exactly the same as him, breathless at the sight of the man from his past but he disregarded it as soon as it came. He had made the mistake of thinking that Dean Winchester could care about him before and he still hadn’t recovered.

Dean made his way through the crowd, clutching the pie, and came to a halt in front of Castiel’s trolley. Castiel didn’t say anything but he could feel his heart bleeding in his chest, being around this man just hurt like hell and he couldn’t take it anymore. His eyes dropped to the contents of his trolley but he could still feel those intimidating green eyes staring back at him.

“Cas,” Dean sighed. “I need to talk to you, apologise for all those years ago. I just want to talk...please. Can’t I meet you somewhere? Please. I want to fix this.”

“I can’t.” Castiel choked as the pain, the loss started to put more and more pressure on his chest, shredding his insides into pieces. “Why don’t you get that? Why can’t you just leave me alone? Don’t you think you’ve done enough? Look, you didn’t want me and your secret is safe with me. I won’t tell anyone about what happened in college besides you probably have a girlfriend or wife now so I don’t want to get involved with that. You really do need to leave me alone because you destroyed me, Dean. You ruined me. So, please just leave me alone. I don’t want to talk and it’s a little too late for your apology.”

Before Dean could try and say anything else, Castiel gripped the trolley and steered it down the opposite aisle leaving everything behind. He was glad that he had somehow managed to find the strength inside him to walk away from Dean after everything but slowly, he could feel himself slipping, he could feel himself crumbling into pieces in the local supermarket. Shit. Shit. Pull it together. Smile. Fight. It didn’t matter how much he yelled at himself in his head, he could feel the words entering back in his head from years and years ago reminding him how worthless he really was.

_Pathetic._

_Faggot._

_Why would he want you? You destroy everything that you touch._

_You killed him! He’s dead because of you! You did this._

_You ruined our family._

_A wasted life._

_Junkie._

_Alcoholic._

_Worthless._

_Trash._

__

Castiel grabbed his cell phone from his pocket and dialled quickly, he needed to get out and the one person who would be able to calm him down enough right now would be the only person that has ever been there for him; Gabriel. His breath came out as quick pants as his fingers clenched into tiny fists, nails cutting his palms.

“Hey, Cassie.” Gabriel quipped on the other end.

“Talk to me about something,” Castiel shouted. “Anything, please.”

“Castiel, what’s wrong?” Gabriel asked urgently, the concern pouring through his tone.

Fuck. He hated worrying his family about him and it had been twice in a matter of days, he had fell apart in front of them. He was a disaster! He was a grown man who was nearly 30 years old who couldn’t keep it together because of some guy from his past. He was absolutely pathetic, an embarrassment to humankind.

“Nothing…”Castiel let out a breath. The words Don’t worry them anymore, they’ve been through enough, you can do this chanting in his head over and over again. “Just, tell me about your day.”

“Castiel...I…” Gabe begun to fumble for words, at a lost on how this could possibly help his baby brother calm down.

“Please.” Castiel sighed. “Just please, let me get lost into your world.”

* * *

**Past**

_It was the morning after their first night together, both of them led in Dean’s bed completely and utterly exhausted from the night before and also, extremely hungover. Castiel moaned and lifted his hand to his head in an attempt to try and stop the never ending pounding in his head but it didn’t seem to work. Letting out a groan, he turned around in the bed and looked at Dean, who was snoring with his mouth wide open causing a chuckle to escape the younger man’s lips._

_Surprisingly, Castiel remembered the night’s escapades and he could feel his cheeks heat from how confident and forward he had been with Dean last night. In ordinary circumstances, he would have hid away from men like Dean Winchester because he was way too attractive to be paying any attention to Castiel. Panic began to race through him as he wondered whether Dean would actually remember last night. Should he gather all his clothes and sneak out? What was the social norm for something like this? In the previous one night stands of Castiel, they had always ended up in his bed and the other man had always snuck out before he could say anything to them and when he had said something to them...well, it hadn’t ended very well._

_“Cas, I can hear your heart racing from here.” Dean groaned, rolling to face the ceiling as he stretched lazily under the light coming in from his window. “Calm down.”_

_“I’m not usually in this position.” Castiel commented._

_“Welcome to my world,” Dean grinned, rolling himself over the shorter man. "It's easy to get lost in it."_

_Castiel smiled wanting to be happy but his heart sank in his chest as the realisation hit him; Dean Winchester only did one night stands._

* * *

Somehow, thanks to Gabriel being the perfect brother as he always had been, Castiel had managed to calm down in the store and let himself get lost into the world that was his brother’s as a CEO of the Novak Sweets company, where flavours were a problem rather than ghosts from the past coming back to haunt you in your present. Gabriel’s world was probably a much lighter and beautiful world than Cas’, probably more so than Castiel would ever see again. His happiness had drifted away in the form of a texas college guy that had been experimenting and the night he had lost his brother, it would be impossible for it to ever return to him again. He had wrecked his life and there was no going back, no reset button. Nothing.

Hands grasping at the handles of the plastic bags he was holding, trying to get inside before the handles tore away from the bag, Castiel nudged the door open with his knee. Honestly, he didn’t remember buying these groceries, he remembered holding the paper with list on his hands as he moved slowly down each aisle, the chatter of people and the laughter amongst the crowd only making his anxiety far worse than it needed to be. He didn’t know how he did it, how he had managed to complete the small task of going shopping when he had nearly broke in front of everyone because if this had been three days before he would have left the store and drove and drove, if this had been ten years ago he would have found the nearest dealer and the cheapest whiskey before drowning himself. Nevertheless, he had done it with the help of his brother and even though it was a small task it made one of the deep worry lines that were sunk into his skin lessen and it was the first feeling in ten years that gave him hope that maybe he wouldn’t be like this forever. Or, maybe, this was all just false hope that would hit him just as hard as a moving train. He had been here before, this in-between stage where you wasn’t sure whether the rollercoaster was going to send you fleeting upwards towards the sky or lead you crashing to the floor once more. And, honestly, he just didn’t have it in him to care anymore.

“I’m home.” Castiel shouted, stepping inside his new home.

“Hey, Cassie.” Gabriel gave him a gentle smile as he took some of the bags out of Castiel’s hands before making his way through the living room to the kitchen, the younger brother following his lead.

There was the sound of plastic bags and their content hitting the kitchen table and nothing else. Castiel didn’t want to bring up what was mentioned in the phone call, about how he felt like he couldn’t breathe and that he was drowning and all he wanted to do was put an end to it all, the constant guilt and pain that was seeping through his skin, the need for drugs and alcohol. He didn’t want to talk about it. He couldn’t. No matter what he was feeling. He couldn’t talk about it.

“I know you don’t want to talk about  it,” Gabriel shrugged, “But I gotta know what happened to you in the store bro?”

“I -”

“Don’t want to talk about it.” Gabriel finished, sighing. What more could he do? What could he do? “I just need to know so I don’t put you in that position again…”

“Reminder me not to go shopping when it’s lunch time at the school.”

And, Castiel left the room because like he said before and probably will say it for the rest of his life, he didn’t want to talk about it. He couldn’t talk about it.

* * *

**Past**

_“Dean,” Castiel half moaned, half laughed as the other man continued to pepper his skin with soft gentle kisses. “I need to go.”_

_“Can’t you stay for another five more minutes?” Dean asked, his hands grasping at Castiel’s arms but the feel of his skin was replaced with his shirt and silly tan trench coat from the night before, the smell of alcohol and sex lingering on both of them. Castiel only grinned in response. No one had ever wanted him like this. No one had ever wanted him for more than five minutes before. Usually, at this point people were glad to get him through the door with a promise of a phone call that would never come but Dean, he was different. He was begging Castiel to stay all morning, succeeding a few times and already making Cas late to meet Gabriel for lunch. It was a feeling of euphoria being released through him as he had never felt more needed, more wanted and more appreciated than he had been in Dean’s arms._

_“I’m sure we could repeat something from this morning.” Dean whispered, his lips making a trail of kisses on Castiel’s jaw, taking Cas’ prolonged silence as an invitation. “Maybe that thing with my tongue that drives you crazy…”_

_Cas made a disgruntled groan as he pulled away from Dean, making his last step towards the door and shrugging his shoulders in attempt to pick up his sleeves. He leaned against the doorway and stared at Dean, his hair completely dishevelled and his face flushed disappearing the freckles from his face, wearing nothing but a shirt and flannel pyjama bottoms that hugged his toned legs. Yes, walking away from this God made Castiel worthy of some sort of award._

_“Believe me, I would stay if I could.” Castiel smiled, letting go of Dean’s hand, separating themselves for the first time since they had met the night before._

_“I know,” Dean gave him a soft smile and his eyes suddenly dropped to the floor, his hands rubbing together in nervousness._

_So, this was it. This was where Dean would tell Cas thanks for the quick fuck and remind him it was a one time deal only. This is where Castiel would walk out of the door and probably never see Dean Winchester again and it was that thought that made something stir inside Castiel, a pang of longing for the man inside of him. It was ridiculous to feel like this towards someone but surely after hours and hours of flirting, of sex and talking about everything and nothing amongst pillows and whispers, you could feel something towards someone._

_“Cas?” Dean asked rather than spoke which only confused Castiel, this wasn’t how this conversation was supposed to go. “Do you want to do this again sometime?”_

_If he hadn’t been too shocked to actually move, Castiel swore his mouth would have fell to the floor. Dean wanted to do this again sometime? Was this some kind of sick joke or did Dean actually want him? He could feel his own eyes widen which erupted a laugh from Dean, causing the both of them to return to their relaxed nature._

_“Yeah,” Castiel sort of spoke and nodded furiously at the same time, like hell was he going to give Dean a moment to change his mind._

_“Awesome.” Dean swayed on his heels back and forth, glancing at the floor and then back at Castiel. He clearly had more to say and was unsure of how to proceed to his next conversation. The shorter of the two, tilted his head and remained a neutral expression as he waited for Dean to continue. He couldn’t rush him. “Look, Cas.” Dean shrugged, taking a step towards Castiel. “None of my friends know about...this...I’m not ready to tell them yet. So, what I’m asking is could you, maybe, keep this a secret for now? Please. Don’t even tell Gabe.”_

_Castiel nodded, he understood this completely and whatever, he could do to make Dean feel easier about this, he would do for Dean. It wasn’t easy telling everyone you were gay or bisexual or whatever Dean was, honestly, Cas didn’t really care, and Cas knew that from personal experience. He wouldn’t force Dean to ‘come out’ - God, he hated that phrase- but would help him instead, help him embrace who he is and what he needed in any which he can._

_“Of course,” Castiel whispered. “I’ll see you around, Dean.”_

_“Tonight.” Dean murmured. “I’ll see you, tonight.”_

_“Tonight.”_

_And, smiling like an idiot, Castiel left Dean’s dorm room and stepped out into the corridor, amongst the hustle and bustle of other students leaving and entering their rooms. He didn’t really pay much attention to others as he walked down the unfamiliar hallway, a stretch of what felt like fire lingering around his heart and the only thing he wanted to do was to call Jimmy, Gabriel and Anna and tell them that he had the most amazing night with the most amazing human being but he couldn’t talk about it. For the first time in his life someone actually wanted him and he couldn’t talk about it._

* * *

**Present**

Hours later and Castiel is parked outside the school, waiting to pick up Claire and it’s probably the most agonising five minutes of his life because he’s left alone with his thoughts. Ever since he had gotten home from the store and had left Gabriel alone in the kitchen to pack everything away, all he could think about was how easy the first couple of months had been when he had been worried about taking his next fix or drink to take everything away, to completely ease his mind. There had been nothing like the feeling that would erupt from him and it was something he hadn’t felt in a long time, something that was itching to be felt again.

Yes, that’s right, Castiel, go back do the very things that had destroyed your family leaving nothing but broken fragments of what used to be. His mother’s voice was cursing in his head and his fingers gripped the steering wheel tighter in his hands, his heart beginning to race. He couldn’t do this now, not with Claire about to get in the car, he couldn’t lose someone else because of his own pain again. He couldn’t keep repeating the same pattern over Dean Winchester.

A slight tap against the window interrupted his thoughts and he jumped slightly at the sudden intrusion to his privacy. He wasn’t parked where he wasn’t supposed to be and neither was he blocking anyone in. Sighing, he turned to face whoever was pissed off at him. He really didn’t need someone yelling at him today, he really couldn’t cope with it. The person could say the wrong thing in the heat of the moment and it wouldn’t matter to them, nothing more than a slip of the tongue but to him, that chosen comment, it would last forever like if someone had purposely burnt his skin with the hottest flame. It would haunt him forever and it would drive him further back from pushing through it. It would contribute to him losing all hope and giving up. With these negative painful thoughts swirling in his head, he recognised the face and all over again his heart plummeted his in chest once more. Why couldn’t he just leave him alone?

“What do you want? Didn’t you get the message at the store? Or do you actually enjoying mind fucking me?” Castiel said through gritted teeth as he rolled down the window. “Do you get a kick out of this or something? Do you get a kick out of seeing me like this?”

“Cas-” Dean whispered. “Man, I just need to talk. I just need to explain some things to you, please-”

It was then, that something snapped inside Castiel, he was tired of hearing the same thing over and over again coming from Dean’s mouth. He was tired of feeling like shit because of him, he was tired of having all these addictions because Dean thought it would be good for him to walk away, he was tired of having no one in his life that he could talk to, he was tired of just going through the emotions. He had enough of feeling like this. He shoved open the door and stepped onto the sidewalk, his face opposite Dean’s, inches away, his fist scrunched by his sides.

“Just leave me alone! Don’t you understand that you left me? You walked out of that door, Dean! You made that decision!” Castiel was aware that his voice was rising and there’s probably people staring, wondering why some guy was screaming at the high school gym teacher but he didn’t care. He didn’t care!

“Let me explain!” Dean begged, his voice breaking as his hands were placed in front of him in a silent plea. He took a step forward towards the shouting man whose blue eyes seemed to darken at the very sight, his entire body shaking with hatred for Dean Winchester, that man who completely tore him apart from the inside and out.

“Why? So, you can tell me how much of an experiment I was? So, you can push me away again?” Castiel was shouting into Dean’s face now but there was something softening inside of him, something that was breaking all over again because he was so close to the man that he loved but yet he was still so far away. He still couldn’t grab him and touch him like he wanted to. “Or, do you want to start all over again? Get me drunk at bar and take me back to your place so we can fuck all night? And, then start all over again when we wake up? Is that what you want, Dean? Do you want to be fuck buddies again?”

His entire body was completely stiff, anger and hurt swirling around his body as he looked into the green eyes that didn’t think twice about leaving him behind. Castiel could see how Dean’s body flinched at his words but he didn’t care. It was time that Dean was aware of what he had done to Castiel and Castiel was tired of everyone else blaming him for all his bad actions, for everything that he had done, when in fact, it had all started the night that he met the man before him. He was tired of breaking every time, he was tired of feeling like an idiot wherever he went, he was tired of feeling pathetic and used. He was tired of all this!

“Cas, can you just let me explain?” Dean took a very brave step forward, his eyes drifting around to the parked cars, probably hoping that no one could hear what Castiel was saying which only added to Castiel’s frustration. Here, ten years on, and Castiel was still Dean’s dirty little secret. Well, he be damned if he was going to let that happen a second time around.

“Do you do know what you did to me?” Castiel asked, his voice dropping to just above a whisper. “Do you know what you’ve done to me?”

“Cas-” Dean’s voice was begging him, actually begging him to let him talk but Castiel just stared, unmoving a part from the rise and fall of his heavy breathing.

“No.” Castiel shook his head, his voice stern and unshaken. It was time to end this. It was time to say goodbye to all of this. “You don’t get to speak, Dean, not me. You completely ruined me and I am still trying to put the pieces of myself back together from you. I don’t want to hear your apologies because it won’t change the past and it won’t make me feel any better about what I’ve done to myself and to everyone that I care about. I don’t want to hear how you’re sorry for playing games with me or having your experiment with me. You left and you made it clear why you did, ten years ago. You left me and I couldn’t cope with it because you were like this addiction... I was addicted to you, to everything that you made me feel because I felt so alive with you and then you left. You left and I couldn’t live without you, without how good and happy I felt with you so I had to find something else to give me that fix. And, I tried everything, I did. I got myself addicted to all sorts of crap; drugs, alcohol and God knows how many guys I slept with after you. I don’t even remember it or their names or what they looked like.for the most part, it’s all just a drugged up blur.  And, it took his death for me to try and help myself get better and I’m still working it, I’m a broken man. I was addicted to you like nothing else in my life so you can’t stand there in front of me and want to talk because I’ll fall right back into your trap and I’m not going to survive that a second time around. So, when I say to leave me alone then please give me it. Just leave me alone.”

Somewhere during his speech, Castiel begun to cry and he could see Dean’s eyes water, his hand hanging in a failed attempt to reach out to Castiel. It felt as if a weight had been lifted off his chest, the pressure of the water he was constantly drowning in, eased off his chest and let him come up for the air he had been dying for. He wasn’t sure whether he was crying because of how fucked up he felt or because he was happy he was finally able to get it off his chest. He hadn’t spoke about any part of this to anyone in his life ever and it felt good to say it out loud, to be able to have that chance to say it out loud. It helped as stupid and crazy as it was, saying all of that to Dean, helped.

“Uncle Castiel?” Claire’s voice came from behind Cas and he turned around to face her, hoping that she hadn’t heard any of what he had just said. Claire had enough problems of her own without having to deal and hear about the mess he made with the gym teacher from her high school.

“Hi,” Castiel smiled at her, running his hand through his hair and down his face, hoping to wipe away any tears that was still falling from his face. “Are you ready to go?”

Claire nodded, her eyes staring past her uncle and straight towards Dean, her teacher, as she tried to make sense of what was going on. Castiel gave her another weak smile and made his way towards her, holding his hand out for him to take her bag and put it the back of the car but she just stared at Dean. She must have heard what Castiel had said about his death and known that Cas had been talking about her father, his brother, Jimmy.

“Is he the reason you were high and drunk that night?” Claire asked, her eyes darting back to Castiel. “Is he the reason that my Dad died in that car?”

“Claire…” Castiel said in a soft plea for her to leave the situation and for them to go home. They didn’t need to attract any more attention than they already had nor did he want her involved in any of this.

“I’m not stupid, Castiel. I heard everything.” She folded her arms across her chest and cocked out her hip, demonstrating that she wasn’t leaving until either Castiel or Dean - if he was still stood behind Cas,he hadn’t really checked and nor did he want to - said something on the matter.

“I’ll tell you when we get home.” Castiel offered.

Claire glanced between the two men, her blond hair blowing in the wind behind her and Castiel’s heart sunk in his chest. She was so much like both of her parents, Jimmy and Amelia, and she would never know that, not really, because she had practically grown up without them because of him. She arched her eyebrows at him and clearly not believing him that he would tell her about his father and about Dean. She wasn’t wrong, Cas wasn’t sure what to tell her.

“Please,” Castiel asked, “Just get into the car so we can home.”

Maybe, it was the sound of Castiel’s voice being so defeated or she thought she could get the answer out of him better at home. Cas didn’t know but whatever it was that made his niece turn around in a huff and get in the car, he was eternally grateful for it. It had been such a long day and he was just tired of his past coming back to haunt him, tired of Dean following him around and tired of feeling like he was drowning. He was just tired and all he wanted to do was to go home.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm back with an update! Thank you all so much for the positive response for this story, I can't believe it! I didn't expect it all! Thank you! I LOVE YOU!!
> 
> This chapter carries on immediately from Chapter 3. Enjoy :)

 

“Castiel?” Claire asked again, getting more and more irritated the longer Castiel ignored her. “Are you going to tell me or what?”

It wasn’t as if he didn’t want to tell her but did he really want to confirm what his niece already knew due to her overhearing his argument with Dean earlier.  Did he really want to tell her that the reason her father died was because he couldn’t get over some guy he hadn’t even been in a relationship with? It was honestly pathetic. How would she understand that he had fell in love with a man that had never loved him? How could she understand that he had fell for guy he was fuck buddies with? How could he explain it when he didn’t understand it himself?

“I don’t know what to tell you.” He said simply with a shrug of his shoulders, his fingers pressed tightly into the steering wheel for extra support.

“You can tell me about Mr Winchester and you!” Claire shrieked at him, waving her hands in the air as if she was trying to catch a fly in her hands so she could squish it. “Or what you meant when you said his death? You had to be talking about my father, Castiel. You had to be. I’m a teenager not stupid.”

God, he didn’t want to talk about this. All he wanted was to go home and curl up in bed and just lay there, thinking about the day’s events like how he had seen Dean in the grocery store and then at the school. He wanted to think about what he had said to Dean and how he regretted every single word he had said because Claire had heard him. Claire had heard everything he said and he wasn’t ready to tell her, he wasn’t ready to be upfront and tell her why her father had died. She only knew what everyone else had told her; another car had crashed into both Jimmy and Castiel, killing one brother and leaving the other with a few scars, bruised ribs and skin, nothing else. Everyone else had guessed that Castiel had been playing up in the car, probably high or too drunk to even remember his own name but no one had told Claire about that. Just like none of them had known about Dean and had assumed that college had been a bad influence on Castiel making him do drugs and excessive amounts of alcohol.

In all the times he had been high or intoxicated he hardly remembered the night’s events, only putting pieces together from what was around him, like when he would wake up in someone else’s bed or in a ditch or in the alley behind some dingy creepy bar. He had never remembered it but his brother’s death, that night on the road, the last night he had ever been like that, he remembered every single detail about it. He remembered Jimmy shaking his head when he seen the state of Castiel,, he remembered Jimmy giving him a lecture on how he should be acting and he remembered teasing and trying to drive, distracting Jimmy so much that they wound up on the wrong side of the road just in time for the truck to hit them. He remembered Jimmy trying to drive the car off the road to get out of the way, to save them both, but he hadn’t been quick enough and it resulted Jimmy taking the majority of the impact of the truck for Castiel. He remembered screaming out his brother’s name and trying to wake him up whilst his own head was spinning faster than a fairground ride. He remembered every single detail and it haunted him every minute of the day.

“Claire, please.” Castiel begged of his niece. “I can’t. I want to, I do but you can’t be the first person that I tell all of this to.”

For a moment there was silence in the car as Castiel pulled up in the drive, parking the car next to Gabriel’s and Castiel wondered if Claire had gone back to not talking to him again. He didn’t want that, he had finally broke through so many barriers with her and she was finally speaking to him without insulting him. He didn’t want to wreck his relationship with her without it even starting to form properly again. Nervously, he took the key out of the ignition and turned to face her only to find that she was staring at him, her back pressed against the passenger window. Her hair cascading down her shoulders, her make-up still covering her natural beauty and her bag thrown onto her lap. Her eyes were watching him, shifting back and for slowly, and it hit Castiel that she was actually taking in what he had said. She was thinking about whether or not to push this. Honestly, if she did push it, Castiel wouldn’t blame her. She deserved to know about her father’s death more than he had a right to keep it from her. But wouldn’t the truth just push her away that much further?

“Castiel, tell me what the hell is going on now!” She screamed at him, her voice reminding him shockingly of her mother when she had found out about Jimmy. “What happened with my father?”

“Claire…” His voice was breathless, a fallen gasp of breath like a dying man’s last words. “I…”

“Can’t say, right?” Claire shook her head, her fingers running through her blond hair as her angry yet empty eyes stared at her supposed home. “I’m not a kid anymore. Whatever it is that you won’t tell me about my father and whatever is going on between you and Mr Winchester, I can handle it. I want to know Castiel, he wasn’t just your brother, he was my father too and I’m not the naive seven year old who thinks that her father is going to magically come back into her life with her mother just like they never left. I gave up on that dream a long time ago.”      

Claire didn't say anything else but simply gathered her things and shoved open the car door with far greater force than necessary. She didn't look at him when she closed it either, just carried on walking to the house. Castiel remained quiet as he watched her enter the house, not checking to see if he was following behind her and closed the door. She didn’t want him to follow her and she didn’t care for him, maybe somewhere the little girl who had loved her uncle was buried in there but the night of the accident, Jimmy hadn’t just died. His death had left Castiel a broken lonely man with nothing going for him other than the haunted memories that kept him awake at night, the family becoming separate from one another and worst of all, it resulted in the death of the life that Claire and Amelia had once known, it had resulted in their death. Ever since the devastating loss of Jimmy, everyone had changed and if Castiel hadn’t listened to Gabriel that very first night, he wouldn’t have met Dean and none of it would have happened at all. Castiel, Claire, Gabriel and even Jimmy could have led much better and far different lives.

For a young woman, who had lost her parents and the life she had known, Claire was unbelievably strong and independent. Yeah, she had an attitude and was sometimes a little pissed with everyone she met but she had a right to be. She had lost her father when she was seven years old and not long after her mother had become a broken woman, endlessly praying and hoping that somehow her husband would come back to her. Soon, Amelia had come to the end of her denial and had screamed at Castiel, slapped and brutally kicked him until he was choking for air and she was red in the face. And, his parents had let it happen, watched carefully as their daughter in law beat up their own son. If it hadn't been for Gabriel, Castiel would hate to think where he would be right now. It wasn't long after that when Amelia had disappeared leaving an 8 year old Claire at Castiel's parents house. Claire hadn't been wanted there much like Castiel hadn’t been, and his parents had only been too eager to sign over the custody to Gabriel. However, with Gabriel's work keeping him so busy and Castiel being at fault for everything that had happened to her, it had only felt right for him to look after her and take her under his wing. After all, Gabriel was already taking care of him.

Sighing, Castiel nudged open the car door with much more force than was necessary. There was so many emotions flowing through his body; guilt, regret, anger, hatred but the ones that was making him feel worse, more agitated was the ones that he felt towards Dean, the ones he couldn’t shake, the ones that seemed to be in his bloodstream now. He could still feel his heart aching from the pain and hurt that Dean had caused him, aching even harder from Dean being back in his life after all this time. It was worse still, however, because it didn’t matter how much he hated Dean and how much he wanted to stay away from him, he was still desperately longing for this man, so damn desperate for him, like a beggar on the street holding out his hands in hope for someone to give him the food he starved for, or like a junkie waiting for his next fix. The very worst thing, however, wasn’t the longing for Dean but the fact that no matter how much he tried to hate him and wanted to stay angry at him or how much he wanted Dean to stay away from him because he still in his heart, as if no time had passed at all, loved the other man with every fibre of his being, with every breath he took, with everything he had. He still loved Dean Winchester.

“Hey, Cassie!” Gabriel shouted happily from the living room as Castiel closed the front door behind him, wondering whether Claire was in the living room too or whether she had just gone straight to her room like she always did.

* * *

**Past**

_Castiel opened the door to his apartment and the familiar silence greeted him, to say he was disappointed that Dean was working tonight would be an understatement. Lately, the two of them had been spending so much time together, having sex whenever they had the chance, it wasn’t like they were animals or anything but whenever they were close together, it was just so hard to keep their damned hands off each other. It was lucky that the majority of the time they met up in one of their rooms and not back in the club because there would be no doubt that someone was going to catch on to what they were doing. Secretly, even though he would never tell Dean, Cas wanted someone to find out their dirty little secret because he hadn’t been happier in his entire life. No one had ever made him feel so wanted and loved like Dean did. He had never felt so free and he wanted everyone else to see it too. He wanted everyone to know that Dean Winchester was his...Well, in some form._

_“Hey stranger,” a voice came from the living room and to say that Cas jumped out of his skin would be a massive understatement._

_“Woah, easy there.”_

_“Dean?” Castiel yelled, clutching his chest with half of his trench coat hanging off his body from where he had begun to remove it before Dean had scared the hell of him. “I thought you was working tonight?”_

_The other man rocked back and for on his heels for a brief second, his eyes glancing down at the rug beneath his feet with one hand swinging and the other grazing through his sandy hair. There was the softest tint of pink creeping in his cheeks like when a young boy his about to tell his school crush that he has feelings for them amongst the prying eyes of others on the playground. Dean swallowed before letting out the weakest of breath, and immediately Castiel had wished he hadn’t asked. They weren’t allowed to ask each other questions that wasn’t part of the deal. Strictly sex. Nothing more._

_“Look, if it’s personal then-” Castiel begun, hanging his coat on the wooden rack behind him, in an obvious attempt to quickly move on from the subject._

_“No,it’s fine.” Dean shook his head and his face broke out into the carefree grin that Castiel had fell in love with over the last few weeks of them being together. It was something powerful about that particular smile, something special, that no matter how low he was feeling somehow it just made everything okay._

_“It’s just...what I’m about to say is something that we agreed not to do.” Dean let out a breathless chuckle and Castiel tilted his head like he always did when he got confused and didn’t understand something. Dean had noticed he did it far more frequently in social circumstances rather than academically. “I was working tonight. I was supposed to be. I got to work and started working on those cars and all I could think about was you. It’s like I need to be around you all the time and it’s freaking me out a lot but I feel like I should tell you. So, I just said to Bobby that I was sick and he gave me the night off…”_

_Castiel didn’t say anything. How could he? Everything had just been secrets and sex between them and he definitely thought that feeling something more was just on his part. What was he supposed to say? Was Dean trying to tell him he was falling for him too? Or was Castiel just taking everything the wrong way because he wanted to believe it so badly?_

_“Short version?” Dean shrugged, taking a step towards his lover. “I guess I kinda missed you, Cas.”_

_Cas’ lips broke out into a smile and he didn’t care about everything else. He didn’t care that he should probably ask what this meant for them or was anything going to change but he didn’t care. He should care about this. He should question it and make a calculated decision like he always does because it had prevented him from getting hurt. He should but right now with Dean blushing and unsure of what to do only made him want Dean more than he already did. He was tired of doing the right thing and protecting himself from the potential hurt this relationship could give him. After all, he had already falling in love and he might as well stop fighting it and just give in it to it because one thing was sure; he wouldn’t feel like this ever again._

_Ignoring the sound of his own voice in his head telling him he should be practical about this and make sure that Dean was one the same page as him. He practically ran at the taller man and wrapped his arms around his neck, pulling Dean into a brief kiss. It calmed them both, allowing them to relax into each other’s arms and for Dean to place his hands on the other’s waist. If Castiel had the power to do anything right now, it would be to stay just like this for the rest of his life. After all, it is the simplest of moments that you should treasure where the silence is nothing more than a peaceful soundtrack, where you know it’s going to end soon because these memories are so rare, so unlikely that it is inevitable that they come to an end. If they did last forever, life would be too perfect, too pleasant because sometimes even the worst moments of our life have a significant impact on us that we wouldn’t dare change._

_And with that thought, Castiel continued to smile as his nose brushed against Dean’s._

_“I kinda missed you too.”_

* * *

**Present**

“You okay there bro?” Gabriel asked, following Castiel into the kitchen. “You look kinda out of it.”

“It’s nothing,” Castiel whispered.

He was so tired of thinking about Dean now. He was tired of how Dean had somehow managed to creep his way back under his skin so he was the only thing he could think about. He was tired of Dean wanting to make an effort after all this time by apologising because it made him want to believe him. He was tired of keeping every thing and secret from everyone. Most importantly, he was so damn tired of fighting against Claire, against Dean, against his addiction. He was just so damn tired.

“Cas?” Gabriel repeated, freezing in mid motion.

It was clear. Castiel had two options, two roads to go down and they were both filled with many obstacles that could potentially ruin everything all over again and sending him tumbling backwards. The first road meant that he could continue lying to everyone he loved about why had he had behaved so recklessly in the past and why he had hurt them so much, sometimes intentionally, and tell them the truth about Dean. The second, however, was the opposite. This road had far more unseen turns than Castiel could think of because this road meant that he would tell them all everything. This option meant that he would tell them about his college romance that had left him so shallow, so vacant. Ultimately, it meant finally telling the world about his dirty secret with Dean Winchester. Was he ready to tell that story? He didn’t know. However, could he really continue living like this?

“Dean.” Castiel mumbled, just saying the name made his heart and soul ache incredibly like if he had just competed in a marathon and his body was aching after the ordeal.

“What?” Gabriel asked, tilting his head at his younger brother.

“It’s Dean.” Castiel whispered but he knew that Gabriel had somehow heard him because his eyes widen slightly and his eyebrows arched in puzzlement.

“What are you talking about?”

“Dean.” Castiel’s body fell to the nearest seat and his eyes dropped to the floor in front of him. Was he actually going to do this? Was he really going to do this? Was he really that tired of everything? Was he really ready for Gabriel to think of him as pathetic and like a child?

“Dean Winchester.” He said again. “The guy from college? We met him within the first few weeks of me being at college. He was a freshman like me.”

“Yeah,” Gabriel nodded and pulled up a seat next to his brother, wondering whether this would be the moment where his brother would finally open up to him. “He was a friend of Benny’s, the bartender at Mirrors.”  
“Yeah, him.” He paused, bracing himself for what he was about to do, for what he was about to share for the very first time. Was he ready for this? Honestly, he wasn’t sure and there was voices in his head screaming at him to shut his mouth and keep it a secret for the rest of his life. No one else needed to know. He just had to keep Dean’s secret. And, that’s exactly what it was; Dean’s secret. Castiel had never wanted to keep the secret in the first place, all of it had been Dean’s idea and he’ll be damned if he let Dean have any further control over his life. Why should he be forced to keep this secret when Dean had never kept his promise? Why should he live with this guilt over him, suffocating him with every breathe, the loss threatening to ruin any chance of happiness he could have or any chance to move on? No. He was tired of Dean playing his mind games and acting all apologetic. He needed to be free of this. He couldn’t be alone in this anymore or it was going to kill him.

“Dean and I, we...had a thing in college.” Castiel paused again, taking a deep breath because this was it. This was the moment he had been both waiting and dreading for since Dean had walked out of his life ten years ago. “The first night we went to Mirrors, it was like something just clicked between us and bizarrely I wasn’t afraid of him like I was with everyone else. I wasn’t scared that he would judge me. The only thing I was scared of was that he wouldn’t look at me and that I wouldn’t be good enough. He was so handsome and so carefree yet still so concerned about everyone. It was new. And, the best thing was that somehow he wanted me. Dean Winchester wanted me, It was crazy.

“The first night we met we ended back at Dean’s and somehow we just ended in this friends with benefits thing...And, it was over before I could even blink. I was so wrapped up in him, Gabe. He was this addiction that was impossible to kick. I couldn’t get enough of him and I wanted to know so much more about him, his family, his friends and all the lame shit that no one cares about. I wanted to know and he didn’t. He wanted it kept a secret. He made the rule about no questions asked. He made the rule about not hanging out together. He made every single decision and I was so okay with it because it meant that I had him. And, he was good. He made me feel so wanted and needed when I was with him. Sometimes he would pretend he was sick or ditch class just to see me and in my twisted fantasy, I thought that meant he was falling for me too.

“God, I was wrong. I was so wrong. One night he just comes over and he’s so angry about something, he wouldn’t tell me. He was so mad and I started kissing him, just wanting to take it away and make him feel better. He put on some music that he had left at mine and we drank beer. Everything went back to the way that it was for hours and hours. So, we were...and he…” Cas made a face to his older brother. “For the first time...and afterwards it was like he just switched back to the way he was when he came in. He started screaming at me and saying that he wasn’t gay and that we didn’t matter, that I didn’t matter. I have no idea to this day what happened but it brought the truth out of him, of what he really thought of me. He destroyed me with everything he said that night and the last thing he ever said to me was; you’re nothing other than a pathetic experiment and stay the fuck away from me. The way he looked at me with so much hate and anger, I had never been looked at like that in my life and he didn’t say anything he just walked out of the door and slammed it shut.

“I waited and I waited for days for him to come back and just say he was sorry and we could get back to what we were before but...He never showed. I never left my room for the first three weeks because I thought he would come back. Every time there was a knock at the door like a shot of life would enter my body only to be taken away so fast when it wasn’t him at the door. I gave up waiting for him after a while and I found other things, other addictions to help replace the effect he had on me. Alcohol, drugs, other guys. You know that story.

“Dean ruined me. He came into my life and reeled me in only to strip away everything that I am, piece by piece until there was nothing left of me. I’m still recovering from the loss of him, from what he started, from what I started because I wasn’t strong enough to cope with it. Ten years later, he’s here working in the school as a gym teacher and he’s trying to talk to me. He’s been trying all week and it’s so damn hard to fight him because at the end of the day, no matter what he’s done to me I still love him. I still love him and it’s killing me. I feel like I am drowning and everyone’s watching but they can’t see what’s happening to me so they can’t help me get my head above the water. I just need someone to help me.”

Somehow Castiel had managed to tell far more than he probably wanted but once the words fell so easily from his lips, without Gabe interrupting him, it was so hard not to continue. Sure, he had left some parts of his and Dean’s story out like the actual details of the night Dean left but Gabriel knew the cliffnotes and that was all Castiel needed right now. He just needed someone to see what was going on with him. He needed someone to know the truth so they could really be there for him.

Gabriel didn’t really say anything for a while and just stared at his younger brother, both brothers unsure of what to say or do next. The older man gave the other a gentle smile and rose from his chair, placing a hand on his brother’s shoulder. Gabriel was never a serious man in any means but when it came to his family, to Castiel and Claire especially, he was there and didn’t make any inappropriate jokes. Whenever his family needed someone Gabriel Novak was there no questions asked.

“Have you told him any of this?” Gabriel asked, his voice a whisper. It was as if he spoke too loudly, it could result in Castiel going back into his shell.

Castiel didn’t answer but simply shook his head. He didn’t want to. Castiel had only briefly touched upon the subject at the school earlier.

“Look, I get how shitty this guy made you feel, which makes him a dick FYI, but he should know what he did. He should know about everything Castiel. You shouldn’t feel like this because some guy wasn’t ready to come out of the closet or be a bottom.” Gabriel gave his younger brother’s shoulder a soft squeeze. “Maybe, you should just lay it all out in the open.”

Maybe he should just lay it out in the open and tell Dean everything without shouting at him. However, did he really want to feel so low and like a piece of trash on the sidewalk because that’s what he felt when he looked at Dean now. All he could see when he looked at Dean was the man that broke him, the man that had used him in every which way he could before hanging him out to dry. Was he ready for that? The answer to that question was clear; no. He didn’t want to speak to Dean besides he had already taken a big enough step by talking to Gabriel and telling him what had actually happened. For now, that was more than good enough.

“Is that it?” Castiel wondered when he realised Gabriel hadn’t said anything else.. “No questions?”

“Are you kidding? It took you ten years to tell me any of this. You’re finally opening up, Cassie. I’m not going to do anything to push you away. After all, you need someone to be your life jacket right? I can be your life jacket.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, i'm here with the update!! I just want to quickly say thank you all for reading, the kudos and commenting on this story! It means a lot, I haven't wrote fanfic for a while and this is my first Destiel fic I've ever written so to see the positive feedback is great thank you :) Also, if you want my twitter it's ohimpala! Enjoy the chapter!

Several days had passed since Castiel had told Gabriel what had happened ten years ago, well the cliff note version anyway, and everything seemed okay. Claire was still pissed at Castiel and refused to talk to him and he had come to accept that she wasn’t going to change her mind until she knew the truth too. Soon, Castiel made himself promise, soon. He would tell her soon. Other than that, the Novaks had settled in very well into their new home and had made friends with some of the people on their street. Well, Gabriel had. Castiel was still keeping to himself, the way he liked it, but he was saying hi to everyone and give them smiles rather than keeping his head down. He was doing good but he was so afraid that it was all going to come crumble down when he saw Dean again.

“Morning,” Castiel smiled at his niece and brother.

It was a Saturday morning and everyone in the household was finally free to do something together like any other family but of course they weren’t. For one, Claire wasn’t speaking to either of them which didn’t exactly put her in the right mood to go out for a family outing. Also, Castiel liked that he was coping right now and didn’t want to change that by going out somewhere and bumping into Dean. He was perfectly happy in his little bubble of a home where Dean couldn’t find him.

“Did Uncle Gabriel tell you the good news, Castiel?” Claire asked, taking a bite out of an apple and swinging her leg so that it was crossed over the other.

“What good news?” Castiel raised his eyebrows and switched his gaze to his brother, who looked like someone who had just been caught shoplifting. “What’s wrong?”

“We’re going to have a guest over the next few days.” Gabriel stated, putting his hot chocolate down on the kitchen table and looking back up at Castiel as if he was about to deliver some grave news. “She’s arriving tomorrow.”

“Who’s arriving tomorrow?” Castiel asked still confused. They never had visitors.

“Anna!” Claire gave Castiel a sly smile and he knew this was payback for him refusing to tell her what was going on and what had happened to her father.

Castiel couldn’t really process his niece's anger at the moment because all his mind was focused on was one thing; Anna. Anna was coming here. It seemed like the thought was just on a constant loop in his head, playing and flashing in his head like one of the news alerts across the bottom of the TV when something truly life changing and devastating has happened.. How was Anna coming here? She literally hated the ground Castiel walked on and would quite happily light it on fire if she thought she could get away with it. Honestly, Castiel couldn’t blame her but he could never make it up to her. He could never make what he did to Anna right either. She was another symptom of being hooked on Dean Winchester.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Castiel asked, rounding on his brother. “She hates me, Gabe and she…”

 _She will ruin on all this fighting I’ve done against this_ , Castiel thought in his head.

“I’m sorry, bro.” Gabriel said completely sincerely, his eyes on his younger brother were filled with guilt. Gabriel knew what Anna’s visit could possibly to Castiel’s recovery. “She called a few days ago and you’ve been doing so well. I was waiting for the right time to tell you.”

“So, you were going to tell me when she walked through the door?” Castiel shouted at his brother. How could he keep this from him? He should have told him. He should have told him that their long lost sister was paying them a visit after swearing she wanted nothing to do with them ever again.

“How long is she staying?” Castiel demanded.

“A few days.”

A few days were Castiel would constantly be looked upon with hatred, the burning stare that was shared by his niece would now be magnified by his sister. There was no doubt in his mind that Anna would make sarcastic comments about his life and how much of it he had wasted it being just like everybody else. Castiel for the next few days would be reminded constantly that he was a disgrace and that he had destroyed everything that he had laid his hands on. Anna was going to arrive and suck any fight he had left in him out with every breath that she took near him. The worst part, however, would be that she would enjoy every second of breaking him. And, Castiel knew he deserved every second of it.

“Cassie..”

“I have to go to work. You can take Claire to school.”

Without even taking a lot back on his family, a brother who lied to him and the other who was taking immense pleasure in seeing him so rattled and lost, he grabbed his keys and left his house. He didn’t have to be in work for another hour because he had intended on taking Claire to school. So, what was he supposed to do now? And, that was when a truly sad realisation hit Castiel; he had no one. He had no one other than his brother Gabriel who had to put up with him because he was family. He wasn’t really friends with Nora, his co-worker. It’s the worst feeling in the world when you realise you completely and utterly alone in the world with no one you can really turn to because they don’t really want to listen.

Even Gabriel, who Castiel had finally confided in after all this time, had kept Anna’s visit from him knowing what damage that could cause on both Cas and his sister. Who was he supposed to trust in this world if everyone was going to treat him like a puppet who might be completely useless if all his strings break. Who was he supposed to trust if everyone was intent on letting him down?

* * *

The question remained unanswered as Castiel begun his shift at work and his mood didn’t change. He found it harder than normal to smile and make small conversation with the customers when all I he could think about was his sister’s unfortunate inevitable arrival. The more he thought about his sister, the more he thought about his past, about Dean, it  seemed to ruin all the progress he had made over the last few years. It seemed diminish like paper when it goes up in flames. He couldn’t describe it, not really, not well enough for anyone to understand but it was like there was this rampant itch underneath his skin that ached for something to dull the searing pain he was feeling inside.

The thing is the only way Castiel had dealt with the itch was by taking extreme methods, unhealthy methods that had led to devastating consequences. It was just so hard. Everything was just so fucking difficult and complicated. Everyone in his family hated him and Gabriel was the only one who didn’t but he was a burden to him. He just needed to make it stop. He just needed to numb all of it for a couple of hours, just so he could lift his head above the water and remember what it was like to breathe. It was all he wanted. All he needed was to breathe again.

Work seemed to past like this outer body experience where customers came in and Castiel remained polite and did his job but in reality, all his mind could actually process was the burning itch underneath his skin, the craving, the desire to numb everything. Would it be so wrong if he did? Would it be that bad if he had a drink after work like everyone else did? Maybe, it would be different now. Maybe.

Castiel still hadn’t made up his mind when his shift had finished. Honestly, there was a part of him that knew he shouldn’t do it, that he had come so far in the last ten years just to go back to the very first hurdle. Yet, it was as if everything inside Castiel that had been willing him to fight the last couple of years had completely deflated inside him as if someone had flicked the switch off. He didn’t want to live like this anymore. He didn’t deserve happiness. He didn’t serve much after everything he had done to the ones he loved. So, what was the point in trying? It had been almost ten years and he hadn’t earned their forgiveness. Nothing was going to change. He was done. He was completely and utterly done with fighting. He was done.

So, as he was driving on his way home from work and saw an old bar with a sign ‘Harvelle’s Roadhouse’ hanging above the door in flashing red lights, he took it as a sign. He completely disregarded everything he had done in the last ten years in a matter of shattered moments but the most tragic part was that he didn’t care. He didn’t care as he closed the door to his car, the high pitched squeak of the car telling him it was locked pierced his ears, and made his way across the car park and into the bar.

He opened the door and it was like stepping back in time for a moment, the undeniable smell of alcohol flowing around the room easily as people drunk it, breathed it in and out of their bodies, and Castiel could swear that he was back in college. He was back ten years ago when it was okay for him to be in a bar and have a drink before he had realised how damaged he actually was. A small smile landed on his face as he drunk in the merriment of the scene, people laughing and chatting, people flirting under the influence, people dancing to the classic rock that played on the Jukebox in the corner of the room. It was oddly refreshing seeing it all before him again.

He had never been this close to temptation in years and the itch, the desire was burning through his body and beckoning him towards the bar. Yes, it was wrong and he knew he shouldn’t be doing it. But what was he fighting for? Really? He didn’t have a family, not really, and he didn’t have anyone who loved him in a romantic way. He didn’t have anything. So, he would be damned if he was going to not do the very thing that was going to make it all okay. He was going to have a drink and he was going to keep drinking until the nagging feel of loss and loneliness disappeared from his soul. He just needed to feel something.

“What can I get ya?” A young blonde girl asked, leaning over the bar so she could hear him over the loud music. Castiel didn’t recognise the song but his knowledge of classic rock only stemmed to how much he had heard when he had been in Dean’s car all them years ago.

“Bourbon whiskey,” He paused, “Neat.”

* * *

 **  
**It was about three or four hours and many, many, drinks later and Castiel had never felt so great in years. The void in his heart had completely disappeared, the guilt and the everlasting annoying love and hatred he had for Dean had been completely dismembered now. It was euphoric the taste of the bourbon on his tongue, the coolness of the glass against his lips, it was like meeting an old lover after spending too many years apart. The feeling was truly incredible and for Castiel, there was nothing else like it. **  
**

Castiel glanced around the bar and a thought struck his head; maybe he should go and talk to someone, have no string attached sex and completely forget that Dean Winchester ever existed. Yes, Castiel grinned to himself, too far gone to see the error and the poor judgement of his actions. He lazily propped his arm on the bar and spun around on his stool, taking in the scene of the bar for the second time that evening. There was people everywhere but no one that really struck Castiel, no one that he could see taking home tonight, no one until his eyes rested upon the one man that he was trying to forget.

Dean Winchester was in the corner of the bar talking to a overly tall man with long brown hair, a man that Castiel recognised from the grocery store a few days ago, and was drinking his own share of whiskey. Clearly, Dean hadn’t seen Castiel sat down the other end of the bar or he would try and talk to him, apologise for all he had done. It was because of this, the fact that he was masked by the darkness, that Castiel chose to do something he would never do sober. He tilted his head and watched Dean, drinking in the poison of his first addiction. He silently watched, drinking a sip of his own whiskey, as Dean laughed at something his friend had said. It was rather beautiful watching Dean laugh because it wasn’t like a laugh that he had seen in other people. It was childlike and innocent, the way he would throw his head back as though he didn’t have the slightest care in the world and the wrinkles around his eyes would appear showing that he had laughed like this many of times, that he enjoyed life. A life without Castiel in it.

Castiel downed the rest of his drink. Clearly, he hadn’t had enough yet.

* * *

“The thing is,” Castiel said, swinging his whiskey glass in the air, “he didn’t love me and I did. Life turned very crappy and I had lots of problems... like a lot of problems.” He took this moment to take another sip of his drink. **  
**

“Honey, maybe you should go home.” The lovely woman behind the bar said, who’s name Castiel had forgotten but he believed it was Eleanor or Elena or Helen, but Castiel shook his head profusely. He couldn’t go home to his lying brother and niece that despised him nor could he wait for his sister’s doomed arrival. More importantly, he definitely couldn’t go back now that he had a drink.

“I don’t really have anywhere to go.” The words fell from Castiel’s lip as the realisation hit him...he had no one and no one to go to.

The woman behind the bar gave him a sympathetic smile and gave his hand a soft squeeze. It happened so quickly that Castiel didn’t have the time to register what was going on and by the time he did, she was already making her way down the other end of the bar. Figures, Castiel thought to himself, she doesn’t actually care about his problem. She only cares about him spending money in her bar and that he didn’t make too much of a scene. It was part of her job description to pretend to care about her customer’s problems, make them think they had someone but in reality, she was just the same as everyone else. She couldn’t care less about him.

Castiel took another sip of his drunk and stared down at the scratches of the bar as if his happiness could be found hidden deep within the dark cracks of the wood. The bar was filled with aimless chatter and laughter, occupants completely oblivious to the time. Castiel remained endlessly staring when a song came on the jukebox, a song that immediately brought memories rushing back from ten years ago.

* * *

**Past**

_Two months  into the relationship or whatever was going between them, Cas and Dean were still unable to keep their hands of each other, completely and utterly addicted to each other. It was bizarre. Castiel couldn’t understand why Dean wasn’t bored with him yet but a part of him was hoping, praying that Dean was feeling the same way as he was. He was praying every night and wishing on every star that Dean Winchester had fallen for him in the exact way, he himself had fallen for the other man. Castiel hoped that this was the reason as to why Dean was still keeping him around, that it was more than just about sex, meeting each other in random places and being each other’s dirty secrets._

_Right now, Castiel was at Dean’s and both of them had been drinking for hours now and they didn’t have class in the morning which meant they would continue to drink for another several hours. They were at Dean’s, Dean dancing around the bed and singing to ACDC as if he was a member of the band whilst Castiel just laughed from the bed, watching and loving how free Dean looked in this moment...with him. Castiel took a swig of his beer and a smile spread across his face. He could stay here forever in this moment, just watching how carelessly and clumsily Dean wandered the room doing air guitar and bobbing his head._

_“You’re crazy,” Castiel shouted at Dean, “Crazy!”_

_Dean laughed but the proper laugh that Castiel loved, that made his heart ache in his chest so much that he made it his goal to make Dean laugh like that whenever he could and as much as he could. It was the laugh that radiated pure joy and happiness, the way he threw his head back like a child, like Castiel had just told the best joke on the planet and he couldn’t contain himself. It was the way his green of eyes sparkled with delight and the smallest of crinkles would appear around his eyes, it was the most beautiful thing that Castiel had ever witnessed. It was breath-taking._

_The song changed and Dean glanced over at Castiel, placing his beer on the bed side table and hopped onto the bed. Castiel shot a confused look his way, an eyebrow raised as he glanced at the other man who had begun crawling his way over to Castiel. Castiel could feel his heart begin to pound in chest as he recognised that predatory lustful look in his lover’s eyes. Castiel swallowed, putting his own beer on the floor out of the way as Dean’s face came level with his own. Their lips were inches apart, Castiel’s head still propped up by the head frame, and all Cas wanted was to close the distance between the two of them but Dean had other ideas._

_“She had the sightless eyes telling me no lies,” Dean began to his sing, the words falling from his lips in soft breathless whispers against Castiel’s own. “Knocking me out with those American thighs!” It was at this point where Dean grabbed Castiel’s thighs and pulled them, making Castiel fall completely flat on the bed. If it had been under any circumstances it would have been funny, Castiel would have laughed and so would Dean, but they were completely lost in each other, focused on the proximity of their bodies to be focused on anything other than how they could bring their bodies even closer to each other…_

* * *

**Present**

ACDC’s You Shook Me All Night Long played in the bar and it was one of the only ones Castiel would ever recognise because that song had played that night, that night Dean and he...No, he didnt want to think about it. He didn’t want this song being played. He didn’t want to be reminded of the very last night that he and Dean had shared together. He didn’t want to be reminded of how everything had gone from blissfully perfect to a scarring shattering trainwreck. He didn’t need this shit right now.

“Hey, can we turn this-” Castiel turned around on his bar stool, ready to confront the inconsiderate idiot that had decided to play this song.

Dean.

Fuck. This guy was like a bad smell that he couldn’t get rid of. Cas’ lips curled slightly at his thoughts, it was kind of funny. He raised his eyes, locking a shattered blue with a steady green, and immediately the smile disappeared as quick as it formed. It was hard being this close to Dean after all this time and to still have him look at him like had done from the very first night; a prized possession that Dean wanted to call his own but Cas wasn’t his possession and he didn’t want to be. It was so freaking hard to still have his heart ache with both need and loss and not do anything about it. The entire situation was so freaking hard.

Castiel wanted to turn around and go back to drinking by himself but Dean’s gaze was burning through him, wary and confused, probably wondering whether he should turn off the song or go and talk to Castiel. Why had he chose this song? Why had Dean picked this song? This song had been theirs once upon a time and now he had requested the very song? Was he just mindfucking Castiel all over again? Or did the song hold the same emotional significance to him as it did Cas? Or was Dean just picking a random song?  Did he even remember the song at all?

A small gasp of disappoint came from Castiel has he realised what he was doing, something he hadn’t done in ten years: over thinking everything that Dean Winchester was doing, wondering if it meant that he cared or if he should just ignore it. It was maddening how Dean made him feel, the man actually drove Castiel crazy...it wasn’t right. Love didn’t work like that right? If you love someone and they truly love you in return, then shouldn’t it just be simple? Shouldn’t they want to make you happy and do everything they can to try and make that happen?  Shouldn’t you treat each other with no mind games but with surprise gifts and little gestures? Or was Castiel ridiculously naive? He wasn’t sure. Love shouldn’t be this hard. Should it?

The song came to an end but neither of the men had moved, their eyes were just fixed on each other and completely lost in thought. Dean moved first, he was with other men, a red head girl - who he had seen in the store - and the blond girl that had served him earlier. Dean whispered something to his friends before making his way over to Castiel. His footsteps were small, hesitant, waiting for Castiel to rant and rave like he had done at the school. Honestly, if they had met again under different circumstances where Castiel wasn’t drunk, hadn’t relapsed, then Castiel would scream at Dean but he just didn’t have in him too. Today, Castiel had hit the pause button. He was done.

“Hey,” Dean whispered, he was holding his palms in the air in mock surrender and left a considerate gap between him and the other man.

Castiel didn’t say anything but just continued to take small sips of his whiskey as if he didn’t have a problem, as if each taste didn’t make him forget everything he wanted to, as if it wasn’t a replacement for how good the man before him had made him feel.

“You left me standing there the other day.” Dean stated, dropping his hands back to his sides. “Raised a few questions with the parents.”

“You left me standing there the day you walked out on me.” Castiel pointed out, surprised how he didn’t feel the hurt inside of him. Yes, the alcohol was doing it’s job. Damn, he had missed how good this had been. He took a larger sip this time not caring what it would look like or the after taste, he just needed it.

“As I recall you didn’t even look back either.” Castiel pointed his finger at Dean, shoving the glass towards the other man. “What’s the matter didn’t you like being on the side? Didn’t you like how great it feels to be left standing there confused and alone? Be grateful there wasn’t a door around I could slam shut on you.”

“Cas...about that night…” Dean rocked back and forth on his feet as he searched for the right words to use because he didn’t want to get this wrong. He didn’t want to make this mistake again but it was pointless. No apology would be good enough.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Castiel gave Dean a sarcastic smile. “I don’t want to talk at all...I wanna just be here. I like being here. I missed this. It takes the edge off. “

A moment of silence passed between the two men, Dean unsure of what to say and Castiel in his own little bubble of sins as he continued to drink the remains in his glass. He let out a soft moan as the last of the liquor flowed effortlessly down his throat.This and the occasional drug had been the only constant forces of good in his life, the only things that didn’t judge him or ask questions. Even his ability to write had deserted him when Dean had left. He hadn’t been able to write a single word without erasing immediately from the page, leaving it white, blank and pure. Castiel had tainted so much in his life and he didn’t want what had once been his work to be destroyed too.

“Are you supposed to be drinking that?” Dean asked, pointing at the glass held tightly in the other’s hand. “I mean...after yesterday I -”

“It’s none of your business, Dean.” Castiel frowned. He didn’t need Dean to put up this act and pretend that he cared for Castiel’s well being. He didn’t need to be dragged into the pathetic mind games that he had played on him before. He didn’t need it. He didn’t want this anymore. He didn’t want to feel guilty and have dark thoughts about himself anymore. He didn’t want this conversation so why couldn’t Dean just shut up?

“Cas…” Dean said utterly exhausted now. “I didn’t want -”

“Didn’t you get the message at the school yesterday?” Castiel said, hopping off the stool and staring into Dean’s eyes, his face up against the other man’s as anger erupted inside him. “Or are you just plain stupid? Leave me alone. I don’t want your fucking apology. I don’t want nothing from you. Leave me the fuck alone, Dean.”

And, just like a few days ago, Castiel walked past Dean and out of the door, leaving him stood there in a crowded bar. He had been so happy and then Dean went and messed every single thing up, just like he always did. Why couldn’t Dean just walk away and leave the past alone? Castiel would rather forget about their past so he could move on and get on with his life but as he stumbled, tripping over his own feet, he realised that tonight he had given in to his urges and now he had to go back to the very beginning. It was like if someone had just gutted him with a blunt knife, the pain spreading through his body as only question burned through his head as he tried to remember the way back to his house; was it really worth it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Castiel had relapsed in this chapter but I just want to say to you one thing; Always Keep Fighting!!! It's hard, I know I'm doing it, but it's worth it! I love you all, thank you!


	6. NEW AUTHOR'S NOTE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Announcement for you all :)

First of all, I just wanted to say a massive thank you for the feedback for this story and also, a massive of apology for those of you who loved it and waited for an update! I am truly sorry but I had so much work going on with university and other work. I just began losing inspiration and confidence in my own writing and I was so proud of this story, I didn't want to make it bad or neglect it. Yet, I done that by leaving it.

Anyway, I just want to say another thank you to you all because of your enthusiasm and love for the story I will be CONTINUING it! I hope that makes you all happy because it's making me happy :)

As we speak I am currently tracing up my old plans and chapters for the story! I am hoping to have the next chapter posted in the next few weeks (hopefully before Halloween)!

Until then, I am officially back on twitter: @batsgrande where you can follow me and my tumblr is  @aprincesstothepublic where I will be posting updates and answering any questions about the story. I will follow you all back! Thank you again :)

 

Love,

Lauren.


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